In English this week, we have been discussing "typological names" which are names that "give insight" into a person's character--they are sort of like symbolic names. For example, I tell them, my childhood dentist had the name "Doctor Payne" which is a typological name because, even though it isnt spelled "paIN," it is pronounced the same way, and he nonetheless hurt me every time I went to see him. There is also an orthodontist in Waterville named Dr. Ruff, who just may be "rough" on patients who go to get their braces tightened. In one of the stories we read, there is a Mr. Graves, who is a very serious and evil man, and there is "Old Man Warner," who has the job of "warning" people in the village against getting rid of the lottery in Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery." Real people have very funny names indeed, and I thought I would write a post paying tribute to some of the more bizarre, funny, and all around eccentric names I have ever heard. And they are all real names. I swear.
1. Gary Overcarlighter-Amanda went to elementary school with him
2. James Pickle-Amanda went to high school with him
3. Trevor Calculator-What the heck kind of last name is that? What ethnicity? I'd love to get a Christmas card from that group: "Merry Christmas from the Calculators." Funny. And, I swear, he took ONE class where he left Dover High School and went to UNH . . .and it was math (of course)
4. Peter Whore-I went to Boys State with him at Bentley College
5. Alex Porno-Also at Boys State. He ran against me for the office of Attorney General, and his whole election speech consisted of rallying the boys to say "PORNO, PORNO" in unison. He won, of course, which is kind of funny, but also kind of sad, because, to an extent, our real elections are won by similar measures
6. Doris Morris-Amanda came across her name at work
7. Lauren Laurence-went to UNH with her. A friend
8. Carrie Carey-Colleague Shawn Carey's soon-to-be new wife
9. Creamy Goodness-I am totally serious about this one. A customer we had at Plymouth Rock Assurance LEGALLY changed his name to this. Imagine calling at 730 on a Tuesday and asking "Hi . . .is Creamy there?"
10. Shine Divatas-consultant for State of Maine . . .what a cool first name
11. Eda Dickman-Again, I am totally serious. She went to UNH, and her number was unlisted to protect her from hecklers. What parent, in their right mind, would name their poor kid this?
12. Pete Peterson-The perfect name for Bud and Edna's old friend. Meet him and you'll understand. He just IS a Pete Peterson
13. Craven Morehead-Again, very serious. I saw the name in print in college . . .I cannot remember exactly where . . .I was doing research. Come on . . .I couldnt make this stuff up!
14. Rob Feature-"Please say HI to him . . ."
15. Dick Assman-David Letterman found out from a fan that a jovial 60-something year old man owned a gas station in Arizona. This was his real name, and Letterman exploited the crap out of the poor guy . . .
16. Ben Dick-My all time favorite, because this guy interned with me--he taught at Manchester Central High School in NH. Imagine all the high comedy that existed when he first introduced himself: "Hi, I am Mister Dick, and I will be your English teacher." Some other awkward things probably said about him/by him:
-Wow . . .Mister Dick is really hard, isnt he??"
-I can't hang out with you after school . . .I've got a one on one conference with Mister Dick
-Mister Dick really goes down deep to find new curriculum to inspire us to learn
-The possibilities are truly endless . . . . .
YOUR TURN: WHAT ARE SOME FUNNY, REAL NAMES YOU KNOW??
ben dick
16 comments:
Rember "eata lamb" from oliver ames....in college i remeber hearing the name "tie mishoe" say it outloud
James Pickle was in my class at MCS, along with Alena Onion, Noel Leon, and Andrew Boyink. Strange school.
Oh..and I taught with a woman at Lawrence named Holiday Beverage
My last name is Cameltoe...I hate you.
I still tell people the story about discovering Eda Dickman's name in the student directory and how crestfallen we were that we couldn't immediately begin making prank phone calls.
At a Halloween party last week a friend told me about a girl in his high school class whose name was Taryn Hymen.
I went to high school with a guy named Kwan Kwan, another kid named Tita Bacardi (her parents own the company), and another kid named Ronald Rahn (pronounced Ron Ron... and I taught a kid named Harry Johnson. And my friend's last name used to be Hore, but she had it legally changed. She is a teacher too. Oh and my friend, whose last name is "Bates", of course, goes by "Master Bates".
Hey! I went to high school at Lawrence, and I know the teacher - Holiday Beverage - that you're talking about! Everybody called her Holly... :)
Michael Haikal, Attorney at Law
Jeff Munt is a kid at my school.
I was watching the show, "Bones," tonight and on the bottom of the screen, it stated that it was guest starring, "Rider Strong." Ha.
Before I left Syracuse NY, my OB/GYN was Dr. Rizk (who had recently delivered breach twins), and my dentist (who I still dream about, he was great) was Dr. Omen. ...We had an avon sales lady as a kid named April Sprague.
1. there's a guy on our street with a mailbox that says "H. Toad" ... not exactly sure what the "H" stands for
2. there was a NASCAR driver a few years ago who was a well-known midwest dirt track driver as well named "Dick Trickle". the ESPN guys would make jokes about him after every race.
3. former UNH student named "Sterling Silva"
4. remember Hawaii Five-0 as a little kid (book-em dano). the credits listed "Cam Fong" as "Chin Ho" and we couldn't figure out why the actor bothered to use a different name (we were too anglo-centric to understand)
I knew a guy named Moshe' Pupnick
I knew James Pickle as well. He actually went to the prom with my ex sister-in-law Julie Hamburg.
Hello. And Bye.
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