Jared Makes An Enemy (its not Emma)

My good friend and colleague Fuzzy Thurston interrupted my class this morning to bring to my attention a letter that made its way into the Kennebec Journal--the other paper that The Morning Sentinel owns (The Morning Sentinel, you may remember, is the paper which published my letter to the editor about laptops not making better writers). The Kennebec Journal just happens to serve the towns of "southern" central Maine--Augusta, Gardiner, Winthrop, Mt. Vernon, etc. Here is the letter:

Jared Goldsmith's letter, "Teachers, not laptops, help students' writing" of Nov. 9 set me off. My spelling and grammar have steadily improved ever since my son built this computer for me. No teacher has been involved with my writing. Most of my writing is snail mail letters to friends of mine.
I'm glad that none of my grandchildren are in Goldsmith's class.

Dana L. Roberts
Winthrop

Here is my reply:

Dear Mr Roberts

1. Your spelling and grammar have not improved at all--because its not YOUR spelling and grammar . . .its the computer's. The computer does all the work for you by automatically changing your errors, so you arent learning anything

2. A teacher could teach you about sentence variety, and how you could have combined your final two sentences with a semicolon--it brings a texture and richness to your writing\

3. How did you learn to read? You are obviously a grandparent (since you are glad your grandkids dont have me). Did computers teach you to read in the 1920's or 30's?

4. A real live teacher could teach you about topic development--something a computer, yet again, cannot do. The reason you could stand to learn a thing or two about topic development is due to the fact that my letter was written about MIDDLE SCHOOL and HIGH SCHOOL students--not some octogenarian who likes to write "snail mail" to his friends when not wintering in Del Boca Vista Florida

5. Why are you glad none of your grandkids are in my class? You know nothing about me, except that I take pride in teaching writing. Are you saying that you dont want your kids to have a teacher who cares about teaching them to write? That is upsetting.

*****

Here is what I would have liked to have included in my letter

1. You're fat

2. I wouldnt have your grandkids anyway--I dont teach special ed

3. I can see your tighty whities because you tuck your shirt into your tighty whities, and they are rising up above the waist of your Navy Blue Dickies pants

4. You're cranky because you're dentures are broken

5. Have fun with your bi-weekly trip to Hannaford, where you'll most likely buy starlight peppermints, canned cat food, and Sanka

6. I'm sorry your son is a computer nerd who still lives in your basement and reads Robert Jordan fantasy novels . . .

7. I'm sorry one of your high school teachers touched you inappropriately where your bathing suit is supposed to cover -- and now you disdain teachers

8. I do love you though. Old people are lovely. Call me. We can snail mail each other

I have too much time on my hands . . . .

We had a great night tonight. I will write more about it tomorrow, but Sally is feeling so much better, so we went to "talltrees" to see the Zoo (talltrees is the name of the Walters estate). Stevee Cee made some DELICIOUS striped bass--just caught in Chesapeake Bay last week. He is an avid fisherman AND cook, and his fish was decadent. Aunt June made some awesome homemade macaroni and cheese. And I pissed everyone off with my political views. So, business as usual. It was great to see Emma, who is growing up so fast, and I look forward to playing more with her tomorrow. MOre to come later . . .