Meanderings 26!

1. Its a scientific fact that:

a. there is no one named "Gilly," "Sully," "Woody," or "Smitty" who is not "a hell of a guy."



2. Have you ever paid attention to the little computer girl's voice who gives you directions when you go to leave a message on your friend's cell phone? She tells you to leave a message at the tone, but then she tells you how, when you are done, you can either "press star" or "just hang up." Why would I want to press "star" when I can just as easily hang up? Furthermore, what types of options exist for me if I do, in fact, press star. And why would I want options? The way I see it, all roads lead to you eventually hanging up, so why prolong the inevitable?



3. Amanda and I went to the New Balance sneaker factory store in Skowhegan this past weekend. They have a sign on the door admonishing that shoes MUST be worn inside the store. How funny, I thought. . . .that's the very reason people GO there in the first place--because they are lacking shoes. Oh well.



4. If anyone wants to start a band with me, I'm game . . .but I get to play that "keyboard/guitar" type of thing. I called and spoke to "Kids Incorporated," and they said it was okay. I am bringing it back.



5. Here's a trivia question to consider: In what year did "hardware stores" suddenly become "home improvement centers?" Its kind of funny rhetoric: they call it "improvement" to give us that false sense of "rugged individualism" that we are "improving" something pre-existing . . .like fixing up an old house, etc. But in reality, nowadays everyone just builds new stuff anyway



6. What's the difference between an "ancestor" and a "forefather?"



7. What's the deal with candy bar makers calling a smaller version of their candy bar "fun size?" What's so "fun" about getting less candy? They are tricking us, and I'm not going to stand for it! Are we to assume that smaller things, by nature, are somehow "fun?" I know it doesnt necessarily ring true when people are involved. Except midgets on St. Patrick's day.



8. Another pet peeve of mine is when secretaries at doctor's offices somehow feel bold enough to "pretend" they are the doctor when it comes to diagnosing, prognosticating, and admonishing what I should and should not do. Its like they feel that somehow, since they have spent so much time "around" doctors, that they somehow "are" like doctors. What's worse is getting these people OUT of the context of the office in which they work, and spending time with them in a social setting. Suddenly they want to both inform and diagnose you about your condition.



9. You know that guy Kevin Trudeau? He's the idiot that wrote that book about natural cures the government doesnt want you to know about . . .and he touts his own horn about how SEAL Team 6 and Delta Force were after him because he knows that apple cider cures cancer . . .and the government didnt want you to know that . . .but now, since he's just SUCH a humanitarian, he will sell you his book . . .even at the cost of his own life . . . .PA-LEEZE. I have written before about dumb idiots whose expertise was in a certain area, but now they are experts on everything because they are famous with a dumb talk show (Tyra Banks, Rachel Ray). Well now this Trudeau beavis is suddenly an expert on financial matters, debt, etc. too. He has a new book out where he unveils, at the cost of his own life, how your checks can also be used to make origami turtles . . .



10. I really dont like wearing shoes. Of any type.



11. Is that "American Chopper" show still on? Is that craze still popular? Have those guys crashed their bikes yet, rendered unable to ride or fight any longer? Finally? Man that was a stupid fad. I hope its over. Is it?



12. Along the same lines as the word "track," which I wrote of in an earlier blog, the word "chopper" is an interesting English word, for it has three distinctly different definitions. First, it can describe a silly looking motorcycle for over-the-hill men with small penises. Second, it can be something to use in the kitchen to "chop" onions, peppers, etc. Third, it is a nickname for a helicopter. Cool, huh?



13. Remember in elementary school you'd have all kinds of cool, schoolwide "competitions" like read-a-thons, volleyball tournaments, field days, races, etc? Some kids would really excel, winning first or second place . . .and I would inevitable get a "Certificate of Participation." A certificate of participation is the ultimate polite way to tell you you are a goon. It says, essentially, that there was a contest or competition that you did NOT in any way, shape, or form succeed in . . .but nevertheless you were "there" watching others succeed. It basically just serves to remind you, weeks or months after the fact, that you were in face "present" at something. Well done.