Meanderings 27

1. When it comes to muffins, the only part people like are the tops. I know this, because when I was growing up, we used to buy chocolate chip muffins at Shaws and eat them for breakfast. Inevitably, we would end up with 4 or 5 "muffin bottoms." That is, the "ivory" was stripped off the carcass--rendering only the cakey substance beneath the muffin-paper line. Why dont they just sell muffin tops? I am sure there would be a huge market for them . . .maybe I should get into it. "Jared's Muffin Tops." The only problem is that it sounds like an inappropriate web site.

2. There is a hilarious blog out there (I'll try and post the link) called "stuff white people like." I love it because its so true: dinner parties, outdoor performance clothes, sushi, etc. Here's my own thought, realized after reading Yankee magazine after Yankee magazine because my dad got us a subscription: White people love eating fried clams, outside, bought from a building that looks like its about to fall down, in the sand. White people have this illusion (maybe its from our past indoctrination of the "rugged individualism" we learn about in social studies) that they are somehow "common . . .just like everyone else in the world" if we eat our ridiculously overpriced and under portioned fried clams outside--like we are roughing it. Its so cliche it drives me crazy. We eat our clams out of paper bags and off of paper products, swoon over how rustic the little dilapidated clam shack is, talk about how this is really a simpler kind of life--and then we get back into our air conditioned gas guzzling SUV's to go back home and watch LOST. Because we cant miss it.

3. Consider the phrase: "I'm not as young as I used to be, you know!" Who IS?? Just asking. Silly phrase.

4. I love it when a restaurant or food chain starts doing something so routine and normal that others have been doing for years--and then markets it like they are somehow so innovative or pioneering for trying it.Subway did this a few years ago when they started "toasting" their subs. Like no one had ever toasted anything before. Consider the lame new Dunkin Donuts commercials advertising their "oven toasted" homefries or whatever. Wow. You put them in an oven. Truly revolutionary. The commercials show these post-orgasmic looking figures drooling over their small box of homefries, fantasizing how there must be a dragon breathing fire onto ther processed potatoes . . .and THAT is how they got so crisp in the otherwise normal looking oven. Give me a break. Every home in America has an oven in it. What's so great about this "new" concept.

5. You know those little "Microsoft Songs?" You know, when you start windows, or shut your computer down? I love those freakin' songs. What are they called? They must have a name. They are probably on their way to becoming the most recognizable sounds in the world. Think about that. Someone must have "written" the songs (each one, dont forget, is LESS than a second long). I wonder if this person gets royalties from Microsoft? Imagine how many times per day these songs play? This composer must be cashing in!

BRAND NEW FEATURE TO MEANDERINGS: "This Week in Double Standards"

1. I dont know how many of you are familiar with the health club chain "Planet Fitness." I call it Planet FATness. They pride themselves on being a gym for everyBODY, meaning they want people to feel un-intimidated to work out there. I think this is great. What is not great, however, is the hypocritical way in which they do this. Their whole gimmick is that they are a "judgement free zone." They discourage groaning and weight dropping. Also, it is widely thought that they practice job discrimination in who they hire as employees--hiring people who "dont" exactly fit the whole "fit body" stereotype so that people dont feel intimidated to go there. Anyway, I used to go there, and once I got yelled at for "dropping" weights after doing a very heavy set of chest presses. I was exhausted at the end of the set, and I let the dumbbells fall on the floor. Immediately, some girl marches over to me and says in a caustic voice how I shouldnt drop weights because "this is a judgement free zone and you are making people uncomfortable." But my question is this: by making an example of me (and they do have a big sign up saying NO LUNK'S ALLOWED--a "Lunk," by their definition, is what you and I might call a meathead or something) arent they, in turn, "judging" me?

2. I'm going to bring a law suit against Margaritas Restaurant for the cheeseburger item on their menu. Craparitas, being a "Mexican" restaurant (although that term is highly debatable) advertises their "Gringo Burger." "Gringo" to a white person is like "Spick" to a Latino person or "WOP" to an Italian Person. When I was in Mexico for two summers with our church, people who didnt like us called us Gringos. I find it interesting how it is somehow acceptable to call it a Gringo Burger--because it only makes fun of Caucasian Americans. I wonder how it would go over if I had some egg rolls on the menu of my restaurant, and called them "slope rolls." Or, if I had a rolled up sandwich with beans and rice, I could call it a "wet-back wrap." I wonder how those types of things would go over . . .