Meanderings 30 (WOW . .. 30 volumes of crap!)

Yesterday at Graziano's La Casa Mia (Grandpop is doing his impression of George here . . .)

Is this really my 30th meandering?? Wow. Thanks to those of you who have been there since the beginning. Let me know if you're still reading this blog. Leave a quick comment.

1. When I was in school, teachers always used to say "if you dont study hard, you'll end up being a garbage man when you grow up." First of all, teachers wouldnt be allowed to say that today, because we'd offend a kid whose parent was a garbage man, and we'd probably have to go to some special meeting or something. But, second of all, teachers got it all wrong: what, in the world, isnt cool about being a garbage man? You get to be outside all day, you dont have to dress up for work (in fact, you SHOULD dress like a slob), you get free rides on the back of the garbage truck (which is 90 percent of the reason why little boys want to be firefighters in the first place), you can look at the crap people throw out and then talk about them later, and there is absolutely NO STRESS in being a garbage man. Furthermore, from a psychological point of view, there's got to be something liberating about making stuff go . . .away. Dont you feel good when you clean stuff up, make room, and throw clutter out? This is what these guys get to do every day. So good for the soul. Sign me up. I want to be a garbage man . . .I mean, to me, those free rides make it worth it.

2. Somebody in the world has the dubious honor of being the "world's best triangle player." Furthermore, someone else is probably the world's "worst" triangle player. In either case, do you want to be recognized with this superlative? I dont think so. Does the world's best triangle player have a CD? And, if so, why not? I wonder if triangle players, like many hoyty-totyty musicians, are all arrogant and stuck up about their "art," and scoff when someone says "hey, you play the triangle, right??" and then say, "we prefer "Geometric Triad Reverberator," but, being a commoner such as yourself, you probably didnt know that . . ." I'd like to find the world's best triangle player, and then proceed to kick their ass all over town for wasting their life away. Thats all.

3. Hey, are all your ducks in a row? If not, why? People are always saying to "get your ducks in a row." Why is that? I dont think I know anyone who actually HAS ducks--except George, and they are wooden, and he keeps his way up on top of book shelves all around the house, so they are definitely NOT in a row. Having your ducks in a row means, if I am correct, that everything in your life is organized and in-line. Soooo . . .if literally all your ducks are in a row, then figuratively, all your ducks are NOT in a row, since you've been wasting all your time putting fake birds in a straight line, and NOT getting done the real important crap in your life that needs to be done in the first place. So I guess thats all I have to say about that.

4. From the "you know you live in Maine" file I keep: Today was the annual "everything goes" trash pick up day in the town of Fairfield. This means that, for one day only, all the residents can virtually throw anything out to the curb, and the town, aided by their huge plow and sander dump trucks and front end loaders, will take it for you (except for three sheets of old shingles which they left on my lawn . . .I dont know why . . .I mean, people put out water heaters, old furnaces, electrical stuff like computers . . .but some lousy shingles? Oh well.). So, yesterday, my street looked like the fourth of July parade, as old pickup truck and low riding caravan after old pickup truck and low riding caravan crawled down the street at a breakneck speed of 4 m.p.h. looking for any trash that showed promise for them. I would say that 78-79% of all the stuff I put out to the sidewalk was picked up by some random Mainer within the first hour--pieces of aluminum, an old VCR that has tracking problems, a broken trunk thats missing the lid in the first place . . .all gone! Where does this stuff go? Folks drive down the street so unabashedly . . .even when I'm standing in my yard 20 feet away . . .and pick through my garbage. Do I live in China or something? No. Its Maine. God bless America.

5. We go to the regular doctor for virtually all our ailments--every injury, rash, burn, ache, pain, swelling, inflammation, and bulging--from head to toe. Except the mouth. For that, you need to go to the dentist. Its kind of funny if you think about it. The mouth (and to a lesser degree the eyes) has its very own "special" doctor in the dentist. The mouth is one of the smaller body parts in the human anatomy . . .and physicians handle everything you can throw at them. But they stop at the mouth. Its like, at some point, long ago, doctors got fed up and said "ya know what? Screw you guys. We ain't doing the mouth. The buck stops here. Someone else do this shit. Not me. I got the rest of the body."

6. When you brush your teeth, and you're in a rush, do you sometimes turn on the water on before you are ready to spit out? Just to "save time" while you have a second at that particular moment? That way, when you are ready expectorate, the water is already turned on, and its just one less thing for you to worry about. I find myself arriving a lot earlier to places if I do this. Do you?

7. Ladies, its time to put on your big girl underpants and start a revolution--what is this crap with gender segregated bathrooms?? Its so unfair, and if I was a girl, I'd be complaining about this each and every month when I complain about everything else. Guys have the freedom to go the bathroom whenever they want at big social functions at concerts, theater events, etc. But if you are a girl, you always have to wait in line. Why is this? Why hasnt any savvy architect learned by now that you dont want to piss mumma off, and thus designed a civic center with a bigger ladies room than a men's room. As a guy, I really appreciate not having to wait to pee, because sometimes you really gotta go . . .but I would be TOTALLY fine with having unisex bathrooms. I mean, what the heck is the big deal? We all walk around half naked these days anyway, so I say screw it. We live in such a gilded society that we like to pretend that its "just not right to have men and women peeing together." But we all know its fine--who really minds? And if you are a girl and you're going to say "well, I dont want to listen to the loud craps that the guys take . . .I dont want to have to smell all the poop," then to heck with you. What, do you not poop? Are you that pure? Fine. Go wait in line cuz we dont want you anyway. For the rational ones: Come on in ladies, there's plenty of room.