Meanderings 37

Mussells, corn, and sausage! Yeah!
Callum playing with his "friends" on his fun-chair
"I think I prefer my hand to this rubber thingy . . ." (thats what she . . .)
A family picture (minus the goofy idiot)

1. Right now, Arby's has a commercial on TV (which they TOTALLY plagiarized from Burger King from two years ago), where they advertise 8 items on a special menu . . .and you can pick any FIVE of them for only $5.95. ANY combination you want. Period. And in the commercial, you've got this smartass idiot who is either flirting or trying to outsmart the girl behind the counter . . ."well, what if I get 3 sandwiches and 2 onion rings? Is that still 5.95?" YES. "Or, what if I did 1 sandwich, 2 onion rings, 1 fruit cup, and then 1 more fruit cup?? Is THAT still 5.95?" YES IT IS MORON. What is this guys motivation? To somehow "outsmart" or "one-up" the prepubescent girl waiting on him? Wow. I hope he succeeds. That's a challenge NONE of us could ever even DARE to aspire to. I bet he feels proud at the end of the day, when he returns to his parent's house, where he lives in the basement, and proceeds to read fantasy novels while drinking Fanta grape.

2. I love these MLB homeplate umpires who obviously become said umpires because, maybe 2 or 3 times a day, they get to throw a new ball out to the pitcher after a previous one is fouled off. The catchers put up their glove for the ball so they can throw it to their pitcher . . .but THESE umps will have none of that. They stand up, take a couple of steps to their left, and flamboyantly fire a ball to the pitcher on the mound; its like, for that brief moment of time, they believe they still matter in the world. Check it out sometime.

3. People often ask the question: who was the first person to THINK of EATING a LOBSTER!!?? They are so gross! Well, I have a couple of others for you: Who invented popcorn? Who was the first to say "hey, I see all you guys are eating your corn . . .but I'm just gonna NOT eat mine, starve a little over the winter, and then, in the spring, after its dried, I'm gonna put my corn in a fire and see what happens." Or how about beer? I can see wine being easy enough, because all you have to do is let the grapes rot for a while. But beer is complicated. Who had the idea that barley, hops, wheat, and yeast would make for a delicious and refreshing beverage? Who said "oh, I'm just gonna take all this leftover grain, mash the hell out of it, mix it with water, let it sit for a few weeks, and then drink it?" I mean, there is nothing refreshing about BREAD, right? So who would have thought beer could be so good? Just saying.

4. I love this time of year: NFL football training camps start, and we get to see all the pompous idiots, saddened at the lack of press they've gotten on ESPN over the past 6 months, decide to take matters into their own hands, pick an issue out of a hat, and then refuse to show up to their respective training camp until ESPN devotes AT LEAST 4 episodes of sportscenter to it. This way, they can show that they, just like all of the other NFL players, are true mavericks. You can pretty much guarantee this happening every year

5. In an orchestra, there are "numbered" designations for the hierarchy of musicians and their instruments. The best clarinet player is called "first clarinet," the best oboist is called Amanda Goldsmith (or "first oboe") etc. The second "best" are called "second oboe," and so on. Does this mean, in fact, that "third violin" plays "second fiddle" to the second fiddle?

6 The Hannaford supermarket in Waterville offers a "star of the month" award to exemplary employees who go "above and beyond" their job descriptions, and offer excellent service to customers. Last month, a girl who works in the deli won it, and I thought it was well deserved, since she was always so friendly even when the deli was backed up like the Hampton tolls on July 4th--working in the deli is tough. But I have now decided that the award is BS. Why? Because, this month, "Andy," who is from "tasting," won the award. Wait a second. Hannaford has a "tasting" department? As far as I can tell, Hannaford gives out free samples maybe once a week, and for a half hour (trust me, I look!). And now its its own DEPARTMENT? But forget about that for a second . . .how, in the world, could this guy NOT be good at his job? All he has to do is offer hungry people free food in an environment already FILLED with food. How do you go "above and beyond" your job description when all you do is hand out samples of hot dogs? Do you chew the hot dogs for the customers? You've got to be kidding me--this guy has the simplest job in the store and he still wins an award for it. If I worked at Hannaford, I'd be ROARING. Here I am, working off my tail off in the shadows, making sure the shelves are always stocked with wheat thins and spreadable cheese, and then you've got this chubby guy Andy, who stands for a half hour at a time and gives away food to people . . .and HE wins? Crazy.

On a separate note, however, I believe I would kick butt at this job. Giving away samples is a great job, and people are always happy with you. Unless you're giving out free yogurt . . .who the hell wants that?