Election Meanderings

Hey its election night. So you know what that means!!! Let's all watch TV to hear pundits talk about how they can somehow predict what 200 million people are going to do. Once again, and I mean this: with all due respect to political aficionados, just how exciting IS it watching "election coverage?" My wonderful wife has it on right now; and besides pondering that perhaps Katie Couric IS kind of good looking, there really is nothing else to consider entertaining. The pundits can try and sound as exciting as they want, but, translated into regular English, all they really CAN say all night is "well, people are still voting" and "the votes are still coming in" and "well, I guess we'll know the answers once the votes are tallied." Other than that, they're wasting your time. I like to think of the presidential election as Christmas, and I look forward to getting up tomorrow morning to see what Uncle Sam left under the tree. Watching "election coverage" is like sitting up all night on Christmas Eve---staring at, touching, and shaking all your presents....but not opening them until 8 the next morning

Here's my take on some of the "political terms" we've been hearing for the past year....translated only as my idiotic mind can do.

"Progressive"-someone who pisses off all political parties involved in an election; someone who does whatever they heck they want

"Maverick"-someone who pisses off the people within their OWN political party

"Change"-What you have left in your 401k after the people who are supposed to be taking care of our country have let it go down the toilet due to their own partisan arrogance

"Rockstar Celebrity"-a derogatory term used to describe a candidate that...God forbid...people actually LIKE

"Brainwashed"-a term used by the opposing campaign to describe people who actually believe in their candidate

"Corrupt"-A term used to describe a politician who has more than five years experience in public service, and has actually taken a risk on trying to change something--even if they were unsuccessful

"Inexperienced"-A term used to describe a politician who has more than five years experience in public service, but has yet to be bought by lobbyists.

"Candidate for President"-The person with the most money (antonym: see "Ron Paul")

"Nader"-For Democrats, the political equivalent of a polyp

"Swing State"-A state that doesnt know the true conservative notion of commitment, and thus has promiscuous relationships with all candidates involved. Wicked hot.

"Electoral College"-A big yellow book with the title "Voting for Dummies"

"Campaign Rally"-What a candidate attends just after calling Sting and asking how he deals with playing "Roxanne" every single night

"Inaugural Ball"-Proof positive that you, the voter, arent as important to the candidate as they once told you you were while shaking your hand at a factory, on a battleship, or in a University auditorium. Did you get a ticket?

"Liberal"-Someone who wants to give all your hard earned money to lazy citizens

"Conservative"-Someone who wants to give all your hard earned money to lazy CEOs

"Universal Health Care"-This really weird idea (I dont know WHO thought of it, cuz it sure is crazy!) that every human being is entitled to the same human decency of having the opportunity to see a doctor for medical attention

"Absentee"-A new American fad, akin to knitting, Pokemon, and Sudoku, where the pomp and circumstance of "election day" is given way to lazy, selfish Americans who have too many other important things to do (yoga, NCIS, Pizza Hut) on November 4th....so they "do it early."