Meanderings 29 (which is my current age, too)

1. The two coolest jobs in the world would be the guy who comes up with names for paint (shaker beige, buxton blue, evening shadow, cinnamon essence, etc) and a children's book title giver. I dont want to WRITE the books . . .I just want to NAME them. I think it would be fun, and I'd be sure to totally pump them full of innuendos, insinuations, and double ententres that would really bring a smile to the faces of the parents who read them--"Who's got crabs? Do you have crabs?," or "The Puppy Slut," or "The Biggest, Juiciest, Plumpest Pickle at the Fair" or "Let's go to work with: A Sausage Stuffer" (the last one would be part of an ongoing series teaching kids about different types of jobs).

2. I am getting tired of kids and poetry contests, because I dont have the heart to tell them they're being duped by a corporation, I run out of things to say about (yet another) their comparison of love to a floodstage river, and the companies who run these contests should be ashamed of themselves. They are playing with kid's hearts and souls, and they tell young poets that if they enter "their contest" they might have their poem picked to be published in their "anthology" (which mysteriously never shows up at any bookstore . . .). The kicker is that EVERY poem is picked . .. .every single cliche, saltine, and uninspired poem is put in this anthology, so then the kids who are published will all BUY one and show their teachers and say "hey look . . .I am a published poet . . .I must be pretty good." It really is a mean thing to do to kids, and its a really dishonest way to make money . . .

3. I've gotten email forwards for e-hugs, e-greetings, e-cards, e-smiles, e-kisses, and e-coli. But I've never gotten an "e-tickle." Have you? Has anyone ever gotten an e-tickle? I think that is what's missing from the world: e-tickles. WIll someone send me an e-tickle for crying out loud, so I can die a happy man!!!

4. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed that any crappy "made in China" product can have "e" or "i" or "q" (in lowercase letters) next to it, and we stupid Americans will probably buy it because we think its hi-tech or cutting edge? Things with e's or i's, we assume, are the latest rage, and must be top of the line? Think about the iFit qGrill or eMusic products. What a deceptive advertising gimmick. How about the iKotex or the q-blender or the eTack (a thumbtack, of course). You could make millions just by putting a lowercase letter in front of your product. How silly.

5. What's the deal with complicated vegetarians? If you are vegetarian, it seems pretty simple to me: eat vegetables only. I can't stand this "well I"m a vegetarian, but I eat beef products" or "I've been a vegetarian for years, but I still eat dairy and chicken." Why do we need to linguistically mark ourselves by what we eat? Is it a confidence thing? Just make up your mind--if you are a vegetarian, fine, but dont tell your whole life story for crying out loud. Just say, "no, I wont have any broiled muppet today, thanks." No subtext please. I dont care.

6. "That car could stop on a dime!" What's the deal with that? We have amazing technology in the car industry today--virtually everything is digital and controlled by a computer . . .things that cost thousands of dollars. Yet we still use something that costs ten cents as the paradigm of how well a car can stop. How did a dime get chosen? Why not a penny? Its the same size pretty much. For a savings of 9 cents per "test," they could have accomplished the same thing. I wonder if those 10 cents get added on the bottom line of what we pay for a car at a dealership . . .

7. Beef, Chicken, and Pork seems to be the three standard meats that make up the American diet. Kind of funny if you think about it. Why these three? How did they get chosen? Was their a contest? I dont really have anything else to say about it, but its funny if you consider it for a second. Other countries eat deer, dog, buffalo, bison, etc. as their staple meat. How did we pick these three (relatively) cute animals for everything?

8. For earth day last week, the Red Sox made this huge deal out of how "green" they were, and how they were so committed to saving the environment and using sustainable resources. To show how committed they are, all the players wore BRAND NEW uniforms with a "recycle/earth day" patch on their sleeve. This was the only time they will ever wear this uniform. Very sustainable. No waste of cotton or other resources there . . .I love it when humongous corporations like the Red Sox, Wal Mart, and more try to pretend that they give a crap about the environment. They really shouldnt try . . .I mean, we're still going to love the sox and idiots are still going to shop at Walmart no matter what they do. . .so stop jumping on the bandwagon

9. Desecrating a Red Sox cap (or any sports team really . . .I just happen to love the sox) is like desecrating the flag of the Unites States, as far as I'm concerned. The sox have a navy blue hat with a red "B" on it for a reason, and this should be respected. I'm tired of the "pink heads" as my friends and I call them (twenty somethings girls who wear pink sox hats and go to the game because they think Ellsbury is hot but really cant even tell you where the pitcher's mound is or who scored the "last touchdown . .hehe"). I'm also tired of the green red sox hats. I am Irish, but just because the Sox play in Boston doesnt mean they are automatically Irish. And there is no reason for the green. Or the brown. Or any of that stuff. Its disrespectful. Do you take an American Flag and make the stripes green and orange for St Patricks day? Or do you make it pink and light blue for the Easter or early spring season? No. It is what it is. That being said, I have a "red" red sox hat. But I am awesome and cool so shut up.

10. Here are a few more things white people love (inspired by the blog stuffwhitepeoplelike that Timmy showed me). White people love "causes" involving diseases, and we love "saving 10%" by using a "friends and family" coupon at a store. Thats all.

A little getaway

A few weeks ago, Amanda surprised me with a short little getaway up to Bar Harbor and Acadia National Park. Its our favorite place in the world, but with everything going on lately, I never got around to posting pictures of our little adventure. Amanda has been having some trouble sitting for long periods of time, and she was experiencing swelling in her feet and ankles, so she thought a weekend away at a luxurious bed and breakfast, combined with some short walks around the park would do the trick. We stayed at the Collier House, in the Town Hill section of Bar Harbor, and we will most definitely be yearly regulars--perhaps with some kranthonies and melathans. Because of the off season, we got a super duper deal with the "early spring special," which got us an antique laden room in a refurbished carriage house that sported amenities like a private porch overlooking a pond, a fireplace, and a hot tub. Not to mention, George Clemens and his wife (the innkeepers) concoct a mouthwatering and completely homemade gourmet breakfast each morning. Below is a picture of the bathroom with the hot tub and the fireplace right across from it. The midwife told us Amanda could take a tub for 20 minutes at a time, so we did just that. I drank a delicious imported German Heff, and Amanda sipped on a "Stewarts" grape soda. Also, I rubbed her swollen feet. TMI.
The view from standing in the living room and looking out at the cute little pond. Unlike the busy downtown of Bar Harbor (which dont get me wrong, is very nice) the Collier House was off in the woods . . ..
Ahh . . .a day in the park. We pretty much had it to ourselves. We took a walk on the "Shore Path," which is a relatively flat trail skirting around the coast off the park loop road. Usually, we do some cool hikes like the Precipice, Dorr Mountain, or Uncle Touchy's tantalizing cupcake revue trail, but since Amanda was 8 months pregnant, we stuck to the basics. She walked four miles, however. I think it did her legs and feet good. Below is the approach to Otter Rocks, which is the MIL's favorite place in the park. She likes to go there with her folding chair, 13 or 14 junkie mysteries, and just read by the surf while George picks up the latest Clive Cussler book at the Dorcas Library in Winter Harbor . . .

Isnt it beautiful? CT and MASS people would love it here . . .
Yummy Faces! BBQ time. To make a long story short, the Atlantic Brewing Company (purveyors of Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale and Island Ginger) has a terrific BBQ establishment (albeit possessing the cliche moniker of "Mainley Meat"). However, they are closed until May 22. This barbecue is legendary is Winslow High School lore, as a few years ago, on our camping trip during a monsoon, 13 or 14 weary English, Social Studies, and Spanish instructors found solace in Mr. Meat's 16 foot smoker (thats what she . . .). I knew I HAD to eat at this place. Well, lo and behold, due to its popularity, Mr. Meat opened up a year round little stand in downtown Bar Harbor. The wife and I indulged, of course, consuming mass quantities of ribs, chicken, pulled pork, and frozen egg rolls from Sam's Club. Its worth the hour and a half drive for the food!
Lastly, here is "Seawall," named such for the unique beach where, over time, the angry tide has thrown up hundreds of thousands of cold, smooth, Atlantic stones onto the coast, creating a large, enduring "seawall" of rocks. Its a pretty neat geological feature, Johnny C. As a point of interest, Amanda and I sat on these very rocks and wrote our wedding vows to each other. Its a beautiful, quiet, and not-often-visited place . . .perfect for a picnic, a beer, or wedding vows. Oh, and I forgot to mention--the bed and breakfast was only 79 bucks a night! You cant even stay at the Crapaday Inn for that little coin! A great weekend. An AWESOME weekend, in fact. Our last little getaway as a married couple well, until, probably ever. Things are going to start to get interesting in the next few weeks . . ..

Mass. Baby Shower!!

Its Sunday night, and we just got back from a weekend in Massachusetts where my mom and sister threw Amanda a baby shower. That makes two showers for Ms. Sally Piles and the bean, and needless to say, people have been OVERLY generous to us. We got to see some family we havent gotten to see for some time, and even some of my hometown friends showed up to the affair. Below is a picture of a radiant Amanda and my high school friend Danielle. Danielle was my first "date" when I was a freshman and I asked her to the "dinner dance." Also interesting was how, two years ago, I married her and her husband Ed--in Mass. you can apply for a "weekend permit" to be a Justice of the Peace . . .I had to get all kinds of letters of recommendation attesting to my character, and they did a background check on me. Obviously they didnt read the letters or the background check, since they let me do it. Wah wah wah . . .
Auntie KK and Uncle Twon have been amazing in the way they did lots of cool stuff for the shower (they invented these chocolate covered marshmallow stick candies called "Chelsea's Chocolates) and in the way they have already spoiled their unborn nephew rotten with clothes, books, and other interesting stuff. Below, Ortiz gives Twon the "birds and the bees" talk.
So do we have a lot of stuff? We have taken the gifts from Amanda's two showers and just put them in the downstairs guest room (Thomas's room) so we can "move in" fresh to the baby's room this week. There is more stuff on the other side of the room, not to mention all of his books have been moved upstairs already, and his stroller and car seat are out in the breezeway . . .
On the invitation to the shower, my mom and sister wrote a poem about how the wife and I love books so much, and they invited each guest to bring their favorite childhood book to be put in a special basket on the fireplace. So, we ended up with A LOT of wonderful books. These are the things I get truly excited about! Below is another picture of his growing library collection. There are more books that arent on that shelf. Check out the cool "train" bookends KK and Twon gave the bean . . . .they are made by a company called "Montgomery Trains" in Vermont, and they are all handmade from solid maple. They have a plan to, each year, give the little boy another "piece" of the train . . .in addition to being beautiful and functional, they are also collector's items.
Daddy-to-be even got a special gift from the bean . . .he knows me so well already!! I got the complete first season of THE SMURFS, which, if you know me at all, you know is my all time favorite cartoon. I used to watch them with my dad on Saturday mornings, and I am sure I will start to watch them with the little guy when he is old enough to appreciate the best that animation has to offer. Thanks Bean!! What a great gift! P.S. Check out the Favry blog for more pics and info on this weekend's shower!

An afternoon on the Sandy . . .

First of all, Time Warner sucks, and we havent had one day so far when everything worked. Every hour, it seems, either the phone, cable, or net doesnt work. The guy is coming Friday. Between 8 and never o'clock.

I took a break from all the yard work and wood splitting I've been doing, and joined my friend Dave for a canoe trip up on the Sandy River in Norridgewock. Jen, his wife, dropped us off at a "put in" in Norridgewock, and then, a couple of hours later, she picked us up when we landed the boat in Madison--all in all, we did about a 7 mile trip, and the water was HIGH and the current was STRONG! Usually, the Sandy is pretty shallow and clear . . .with a sandy, visible bottom. Today was different, as the feet upon feet of snow melted into the river, raising the water level and increasing the speed of the water. It was a beautiful afternoon (high 70's) to be on the water, and I can't believe its gotten so nice so fast here in Maine. We're being spoiled. Below, check out a bend in the river. Notice there is still a bit of snow on the banks. As early as this past Monday, Dave still was able to snow shoe in his field. The river below is the mighty Kennebec. The Sandy dumps itself into the Kennebec river, and we needed to cross the Kennebec to reach our rendezvous point (sounds very "special forcesish" doesnt it??). This was interesting. The Kennebec, a MUCH bigger river than the Sandy, was crazy, fast, and high. And we had to paddle across from the other side. Against the current. It was fun though, and this was one of those rare trips where I actually WORE my life jacket, versus just keeping it by my side in the canoe. The picture below is where we actually landed the canoe.

After the trip we went back to Dave's house. He lives on a beautiful piece of land (I think its like 60 acres or so). Jen's parents also live on the land, just down the dirt road. Dave, Jen, their sons, and Jen's parents all do maple sugaring in the early spring. Below is the sugar house Jen's mother built (he's a master carpenter). Amanda and I have been over a couple of times while they've been boiling down the sap into maple syrup. Its great to sit by the fire, talk, and sample some delicious syrup.
The white barrel off to the right is a sap bucket, and, during the maple season, these jugs are full of sap. The sap is then poured into the tray you see on top of the wood stove, and its boiled down until syrup is rendered. It takes 40 gallons of sap to make 1 gallon of syrup! Ortiz: this is where your syrup comes from!
Lastly, we took a walk down to Dave's trout pond. Dave, a brilliant fly fisherman, had this pond "made" in back of his house; he keeps it stocked with Brook Trout, and he goes down to feed them each evening. He doesnt fish for them or eat them--he just likes to admire the beauty of these unique fish. The pond is pretty neat . . .its spring fed, and he's made a dam on the other side to keep the water intact. Behind the bridge is one of the many trails that traverse the property. All in all a great spring day! I came back home, did some errands, put up a clothesline for Sally, split and stacked some wood, and had a little brush fire in our firepit. Now I am tired. Have a good night all.

Meanderings 28

1. They are building a new prison in Maine, and, since there isnt much to report in Maine, the prison gets a good deal of press. What's funny about this is how I got to thinking that, with each major municipal or statewide piece of construction, there is a good deal of fanfare when its done. For example, the town of Winslow had an open house night for residents to come check out the "new school," people flocked to this state of the art bridge going over the Penobscot River in Bucksport Maine, and citizens get excited about new libraries, enriched with the latest in technology. But there's never any fanfare or excitement about the completion of a prison . . .possibly for the reason that if its "cool," then they did it wrong . . .because prisons arent supposed to be "cool." I'd hate to be the architect in charge of designing a "state of the art" prison, because, as one might ask, ARE prisons supposed to "be" state of the art? Arent they supposed to be miserable places? The designers must walk a very fine line. And, when this new prison is done, will there be a ceremony or a celebration? Will people walk through and say "oh wow . . .this looks fantastic . . .I love the color of the walls . . .ooh . . .the mess hall is lovely?" Because, if they say any of those things, then as a taxpayer I'd be pissed. Because nothing should look good.

2. I love jazz lately--in fact, in the past few months, I've been pretty much listening to exclusively jazz. I find it so ironic that jazz is credited with being the one "true American" music genre (rock, classical, celtic, and others can be traced back to different countries) "invented and created" in America. National Geographic did a terrific story about it last year, about how "jazz" is so "innately American." The reason I find this ironic is because the culture of jazz was born because people, from other countries, were being oppressed and enslaved. In America.

As Americans, we are so pompous and stupid (we're the same idiots who made Bush president, dont forget) that we fail to realize that the only true "American" music exists only because we were so mean to black people from Africa, that they dealt with their angst, sadness, and frustration through song--African folk . . .gospel . . .early blues . . .and all the ingredients we now call JAZZ. The ultimate, true, organic American music. Idiots.

3. To further substantiate the notion that we, as Americans, are not the smartest bunch, consider the fact that the most popular sport (statistically) in the U.S. is Nascar. We watch cars drive around in circles. Again. And again. But I wont get into that, since someone like Randy (Hi Randy!) will write about all the skill and technique and strategy involved in the racing. Okay. I can buy that. But what about "drag racing?" In this "sport," two guys in cars shaped like penises (coincidence??) line up side by side on a completely straight quarter mile track; there is no steering involved. The green light flashes, and the guys basically "floor it" for the 10 seconds it takes them to drive down the strip. Then these parachute things come out and they slow down. What kind of skill does it take to be a drag racing "driver?" I mean, I'm probably being ignorant (as always), but it seems like anyone could do it. I was watching it the other day for a minute, and the announcer was saying things like "Johnson is one terrific young talent, and probably the best drag driver around today." How can you "not" be good? Unless you have a disease that keeps you from pressing your foot on a gas pedal for 10 seconds, you'd think that everyone would be fine . . . .

4. Did you ever notice how everything is either "more than you think," or "less than you think?" Similarly, most things, too, are also "closer than you think" or "farther than you think." Humans, obviously, are bad estimators.

5. On our way to Bar Harbor the other day, we were driving in back of a helmetless guy driving a motorcycle. His turn signal went on, and he turned into a chiropractor's office. What's the point, ya know? He obviously can't be that concerned about his neck. There's stupidness all around us. Everyone always asks how I come up with these "meanderings." Just look around.

6. On a placemat at a restaurant, I saw an advertisement for a plumbing company that also rents out portable toilets for "long term job sites and special occasions." Its just funny for me to think about needing a toilet for a "special occasion." I know they mean graduation parties, family reunions, etc, but isnt it just funny to picture someone having the conversation that goes like this: "This is SUCH a SPECIAL occasion . . .I think we need to rent a toilet." Fun.

7. The only American politician who "might" be even worse (or at least just as bad) as Bush would be Dick Cheney. He sucks, and I cant believe he isnt in jail, if I may be frank. In Shakespeare's "Richard III," everyone knows . . .it is a blatant fact actually . . .that Richard usurped the kingdom in an illegal and immoral way--but no one neither says nor does anything about it, since Richard is the "king." From this point on, I shall refer to Cheney as "Richard III," since, apparently, the same rules apply to him. What the hell does he even DO? Where is he? Besides securing no bid contracts for Haliburton, has he DONE anything as vice president? You never see him on the news. You never see him welcoming guests to the White House (dignitaries, the pope, the Red Sox, etc). Seriously. What is his point?

8. All politicians are dishonest, corrupt, and hypocritical for the reason that they are human. And that's not their fault. Its just the way it is. Ron Paul, a candidate running for president, has a pretty strong environmental stance. Ralph Nader, running on the "Green" party (an inherently environmental organization) is also planning on an 08 run for president. Yes, its true we live in a "democracy," and its great that anyone can run for president. But come on! Neither Paul, nor Nader have a snowball's chance in hell at even getting close to the nomination. They are SO concerned about the environment, yet they'll spend millions of dollars using paper, cardboard, and plastics (all things that are TERRIFIC for the environment) to advertise a useless campaign. They have NO SHOT, and they are wasting money and materials-- they are generating tons of trash and carbon emissions through their hypocrisy. So dont say you have a strong environmental stance.

9.We ate at a restaurant this past weekend, and when we got the check it had the amount (25.00) and then it said "THANKS, BILL," and I got confused, because I couldnt tell if our waiter's name was Bill, and he was thanking us, or if the check itself was being personified and thus thanking us itself. I still dont know, but I like it that way. There are so few mysteries in life.

Ready to move in . . .

Wow. This is the longest we've gone without writing a blog. A lot has been happening, and there is much to report. We've switched all of our technological stuff over to Time / Crapper, and so far it sucks. The Internet didnt work at first. The digital phone has a lot of white noise. The cable remote isnt programmed, so there is no way you can change the channel. So far, its totally worth it.

The Bean's room is all done and ready to become home to our little guy--the painting, sheetrocking touchups and even the cleaning is all done. All that remains is actually moving all his new little things into the space--right now they are downstairs in the guest room. Below you can see the corner of the room, one of his bureau's, and the built-in drawers and shelf. This gives you a good contrast between the wall and trim colors. The walls are "Buxton Blue," and the trim is "Shaker Beige."
Here's the side with the chimney. It is just BEGGING for him to hit his head on it, isnt it? Oh well. He'll learn when he starts walking, right? Maybe we should have him wear a helmet--they sell them at Babies R Us!! Note the little door on the right side: this leads into the crawl space (because the front side of the house is not dormered). I'm sure that by the time he is three or so he'll be exploring into the dark nooks and crevices of the house. I know I had fun when we first moved in . . .
And here is his bookshelf with most of his books (some new, some from mommy and daddy--bought before they ever thought about having him). On top of the shelf is a cool sign I bought him at a train show this winter (remember, his room theme is trains). At the bottom of the sign, you can notice a fuzzy/reflective little wooden train whistle we picked up in Bar Harbor at Sherman's Book store. We're so excited to start reading some stories to the bean. Well, we are off to Portland to take in a Seadog's game with the LaChapelle's. We didnt make it to a game last season, so we're looking forward to it. Sorry about the lack of entries (thats what she said) but I promise this will change! I am on vacation this week, and you can expect all kinds of good, useless crap from the dark recesses of my brain.

Two more days . . .

Until April Vacation. I can't wait. I have a bunch of spring projects lined up, like splitting the wood for next winter (I'm still burning the wood from this winter . . .it gets cold at night), raking the thrush and sand off the lawn, cleaning out the garage from clutter like firewood, insulation, and all kinds of other crap, and possibly putting some mulch down. Today I worked outside a little bit, and I am happy to say we can finally open our front door--the frost, although not "out" by any means, has gone down enough to allow me to fix the door. Its pretty messed up, but at least I can get in my own house now. I also swept out the sandbox that was Amanda's garage bay. My garage bay, if you remember, is filled with a cord of oak, so I park in our crappily down, ultra heaved driveway.

For the second day in a row, I came directly home from school and painted. I got the second coat on the trim in the baby's room done today, and tomorrow, with a little help, we'll get the second coat of the walls done. Then we can do touch ups, clean the floor, and start bringing in some of the Bean's new toys, books, and other logistical items. For as much as I hate painting, I have to say I find it very relaxing to paint, alone, while I listen to "All Things Considered" on NPR. Although, I have to admit, I get peeved at all the liberal hippy crap that goes on in this country. Also, I just continue to become more and more aware at how inept and antichrist-like our president is. FOR EXAMPLE: At the very beginning of Bush's "term," (I put that in quotations because he didnt "really" get elected) he rejected the Kyoto Treaty--a treaty that would have forced the U.S. to cut back on their greenhouse emissions, and thus made the U.S. a more responsible entity in the fight against global warming. Now, since the idiot is pretty much a lame duck, he's saying that we should, in fact, start to seriously consider cutting greenhouse emissions--now he says it, of course, because he's on his way out and he's done all his "dirty dealings" with the big businesses he's been in bed with for the past 8 years. Does he actually think the American people are that stupid that we dont realize what he's doing? He didnt want to help the environment before when he was president, since all of his friends (and Bush himself) were in big oil, etc. But now that he's leaving the presidency, he wants to make it difficult for other people to rape the earth as much as he has. How can any intelligent, moralistic American not think this guy is a total chode? Can you tell me that??

I bet he eats at Craparita's . . .