Meanderings 39

I just love writing I guess. I am glad you are all fans of the blog. I hope you keep reading--Jared

1. What’s up with all these half torn up tires we see on the sides of the highway all the time? How many people are driving tireless? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone’s tire falling off while they were driving, yet every time I get on 95 north or south, I see these whole tires, which look they’ve been put into a food processor for thirteen or fourteen seconds, lying on the side of the highway shoulder. And I bet every one of them has their own story….

2. The human race has capitalized on the weather when it comes to sports and recreation, virtually creating a sport to correspond to every single weather event. In the sun, of course, you’ve got your swimming, running, baseball, and a million other outdoor events. In the snow, we’ve got skiing, snowmobiling, sledding, etc. And with the wind, we have sailing, hang gliding, and wind surfing. But no one has ever invented anything EXCLUSIVELY in the rain. Poor rain. You never hear anyone saying “jeez, I hope we get a thunderstorm soon, cuz I want to go up north with my galoshbike this weekend” or anything like that. No one looks forward to rain for any recreational purpose, and it’s the only weather NOT to offer anything.

3. AIM is the bastard red headed stepchild of the toothpaste world, constantly overshadowed by Crest, Colgate, Rembrant, etc. Does anyone ever use AIM anymore? They should; its beautiful…what with all its multi colored stripes of red, green, and blue. Lets see Crest do that.

4. Someday, someone smart from MIT will invent a device that looks into the future. It WILL happen. And when it does, it will INSTANTLY make the careers of meteorologists, stockbrokers, and these talking heads on news stations obsolete. Kaput. We don’t need them anymore. The same goes for a ton of other jobs, but its late and I want to go watch the X Files on Netflix—I don’t have time to think about them. You can do that.

5. And what’s this cute little trend we have going lately that sort of makes it expected that when famous people have their babies, they also write a children’s book to go along with it? Madonna is just the latest “crossover artist” to produce this crap, but I could name a lot more. Why does it seem to go hand-in-hand that “celebrities,” once they have kids, feel the need to a) tell everyone what a great parent they are in a “how to” parenting book or b) showcase their clout by having an artist make cute pictures to go along with their rote and cliché storyline, which usually has no exposition, rising action, or climax.

6. There’s a conspiracy against kids on Halloween, and its been going on for years: kids think the night is all about them, their costume, and their candy. But its not. As a last ditch effort to assert their dominance, moms all across New England bring out “the coat.” This is when moms make kids wear coats over their costumes “because its cold out” they say. ARRGGG…..foiled again by the moms who, since I live with one now, ALWAYS have a hidden agenda. Somehow.

7. The guy (or gal) who holds the "stop" or "slow" sign when one lane is closed during a construction project is in possession of arguably the most powerful minimum wage job in the universe. Although they only get $5.15 per hour, they have the ability to make or break someone's whole morning--if they are late for work, have an appointment, etc. Its like minimum wage world's one and only “trump card” to really stick it to the man, and assert dominance over the “high brow” doctors, lawyers, and realtors who drive really expensive cars. Its as if they are declaring, symbolically, "5.15 per hour or not, I am the BOSS of your ass for the next 3 to 4 minutes."

8. Back in the 80’s, we had a whole horde of animated advertising “spokescharacters” who promoted a certain product; it seemed to be the trend back then to have a cartoon character do your advertising for you. We had the Keebler Elves, Superman (for cocoa), The Hamburger Helper creepy glove guy, Charlie Tuna, Kool-Aid man, the Green Giant, Aunt Jemima, and all of the McDonalds characters. But they’ve all since died, apparently, and the only one who has survived is that Vlassic Pickle bird—is he a stork or an albatross or something? Whatever he is, he is old, wears spectacles and a blue police officer-type hat, and absolutely loves eating pickles with little girls.