Meanderings 74

1. At Dairy Queen the other night, there was a sign on the window that said "We have cakes for EVERY occasion," and the EVER was indeed capitalized. Now come on. Isnt this false advertising? I mean, there are a LOT of 'occasions.' What if I went in and said "I need a cake for my second cousin's 27th consecutive pushup milestone" or "Happy Birthday John Locke and all social philosophers!" or "Congratulations, you finished powerwashing the deck!" I mean, these are all "occasions." Is Dairy Queen ready to meet the challenge? They SAID 'every occasion'......

2. When you order something on the Internet (or is it OFF the Internet??) or through a catalog, you have to (obviously) pay the price of the item....PLUS, you have to pay 'shipping and handling.' Have you ever stopped to consider this trite phrase? Shipping, I dont mind paying for. Things need to be mailed and I understand postal employees, fuel costs, etc come into play. But what's with this 'handling' deal they have going on? What's that mean? "Handling" sounds vaguely dirty and sexual. Can I pay even MORE money to NOT have you 'handle' my new book or my daughter's new dress? What, exactly, is the definition of 'handling,' and how is it different than 'shipping?' In order to ship something, doesnt one need to inherently handle it as well? Are we being duped?

3. I am kind of surprised the stupid liberals havent attacked Steve on the children's show "Blue's Clues." Steve is the most incompetent pet owner in the existence of the world; in fact, every episode is predicated on the fact that Steve has lost his puppy Blue, and we need to solve his cute little riddles in order to get the dog back. Dude, get the hint: Your dog doesnt like you. That is why he runs away at the beginning of every episode. Each episode starts with Steve saying the same thing: "Can you help me find Blue!?? My puppy??!!" STOP BEING ANOTHER DEADBEAT DOG OWNER, AND WATCH OUT FOR YOUR PET. He is probably pooping on my lawn as I write this!

4. Remember "New York Seltzer?" Anyone? It wasnt really just plain "seltzer;" it was actually a fancy early hipster kind of soda. My mom used to get it at yuppy-wannabe-country places like the Mansfield Country Store. You guys remember this? I think it was right next to Clearly Canadian, another elitist drink. I'm a Fanta guy. Just sayin.

5. Entertainment Magazine just had a cover story with the huge caption: "The Art of Coming Out." It had pictures of celebrity  men who had recently "come out" proclaiming their homosexuality.  The article dealt with the new and creative ways people were 'being' gay. This headline is a self-defeating prophesy, and, to be frank, very disrespectful towards gays; why does their need to be an "art" to it? If you are gay, then be gay. This isnt a "fad" we are talking about here: There is no "art" in being what you inherently are. Do you get what I mean? I mean, wouldnt it be silly to have an article with the title "The art of being white" or "the art of having brown eyes." I AM white and I do have brown eyes.. No art involved. I just am. With all "minority" types of situations, the more they try to exploit the differences among us, and linguistically create a field day over them, the farther apart we all get....