Brian, Melissa, Jared, Amanda, and Thomas P.

Kemish comes to Maine

Brian and Melissa came up last night to visit us in Maine; hopefully this will be a yearly tradition. After sitting in an unusual traffic jam on Rt 95 in Augusta, they made it up to Fairfield at about 630, and, naturally, we headed right over to Governor's Restaurant. Melissa and Kemish absolutely love the restaurant (Sally and I do too) and what is funny is how we sat in ALMOST the same spot AND had the same waitress as last year (Nikki . . .who is Sally and I's favorite waitress). We had fish fries, meatloaf mountains, and "downhome sandwiches." The girls got dessert--Gov's is famous for their dessert--and then we headed home to a nice hot fire in Moe Jr.

Right now, we are in the middle of "Nor'easter Noel," and we're just sort of watching the special news reports. It didn't start raining until about 3 today, actually, and we took advantage of the cold, crisp weather this morning. It started by Brian making his famous French Toast for breakfast (Brian was famous for making his big breakfasts after a night of partying in college). I rounded it out by scrambling a few eggs and frying up some Hebrew National salami--Kem likes it because its Jewish, and he's a Jew. We then got showered and headed out for a nice long walk in the woods--we parked at the trailhead of one of the ITS snowmobile trails in Fairfield, and enjoyed the late fall wilderness Fairfield has to offer. Once the rain started, we hunkered down in front of the wood stove, popped in a couple of DVDs (Wet Hot American Summer and Napoleon Dynamite), and just relaxed.

One of the hilights of the weekend, of course, was watching Melissa's dance videos. She dances at "United Rhythms" down in CT, and we watched a few of her DVDs of some past recitals. Amazing! I usually dont like dance recitals--I must admit--but this was different. It was exciting, well choreographed, and full of images of the dance studio owner Fernando. He was the man. Clad in matching nipple rings, curiously framed facial hair, and shiny rayon clothing, he was terrifically entertaining in his recital production--he used really cool cinematography techniques, some of which I actually had a bad dream about last night--but thats a different story.

Its been really wonderful catching up with Brian and Melissa. Brian and I shared a lot of laughs in college . . .we went through a lot of stuff together, and its funny how we share the same immature, perverted, and sophomoric sense of humor (i.e. When we picked up the pizza at Sonny's tonight, and I put the huge box in the back of his Subaru, I commented how "this is the hottest its ever gotten in your backseat"). We know each other's idiosyncrasies, and we exploit them readily. We give each other tons of crap. And we laugh through every minute of it.

As you can see, Thomas makes himself right at home with his new friends--in between lying in front of the stove, marching on Brian, or sleeping on the couch, he has had a fantastic weekend!

One more quick note: Winslow pulled off a huge upset last night against Morse High School (Winslow were underdogs) and will now play Gardiner in the Pine Tree East Class B title game. If they win that, they go to the state championship for the third time in 4 years.

Halloween Fallout

So I guess I really touched some nerves with my Halloween post--oh well.

This afternoon was pretty busy yet uneventful, as Sally and I are getting ready for our weekend guests--Brian Kemish and his girlfriend Melissa. Brian was one of my two roommates in college: we have been buddies since freshman year, and we lived together for four years after that. We love when Brian and Melissa visit . . .we have a good time and Amanda and Melissa get to see first hand just how ridiculously stupid we are. I think I definitely regress about 15 emotional years when I get together with Brian--or any of my buddies for that matter. There's just something about being with your guys that makes farts more interesting, beer tastier, and "thats what she said" funnier.

I got the cat box all changed, ran 3 miles, brought a ton of wood into the garage, hung up a shelf (I got to use my stud finder, and I love this because it has a laser and makes beeping noise and I feel like I am a carpenter on the Millenium Falcon), ate a delicious dinner prepared by my wife (her famous chicken pasta bake!) and watched an episode of "All Creatures Great and Small" with Amanda and Thomas. A wonderful evening, and I look forward to the weekend!

Halloween Part 2

I am a grumpy old man . . .

Halloween is such an AMERICAN holiday, and here is why

1. it teaches people they can get things (candy) just by being fake (costumed) and saying what everyone wants to hear (trick or treat)

2. it is perfectly in sync with our totally liberal-entitled"gimmie gimmie" culture where people just expect things for free without working for them. . .and if they dont get free stuff, they vandalize your property by smashing pumpkins or toilet papering your trees

3. it celebrates the promiscuous, egregious, and carnal

4. Americans are addicted to sugar

5. there IS somewhat of exercise involved in the act of trick or treating . . .but its sole motivation is to get stuff loaded with calories in the first place

6. people can act out their sexual fantasies of dressing in drag OR as a slut OR as a Power Ranger . . .and its perfectly acceptable--for one night

7. it teaches kids that its okay . . .even a rite of passage . . .to damage other people's property if you dont get what you want

8. in an age where, increasingly, we are limiting our person to person contact and hiding behind technology (texting, IMing, emailing, etc.), trick or treating is yet again another opportunity for people to mask their true identity, hide from the world, and not be accountable for things they do or say . . ..because "I' didnt do it---it was "Batman."

9. we get to buy cheap stuff made in hong kong, and then throw it away when we are bored with it (how many of us actually keep our old plastic costumes from WalMart?)

10. every year, the debate rages about how Halloween is, in itself, a "pagan" holiday, and we advertise it in schools and in public places . . . .and, in America, liberals are always looking for an excuse to bring up the separation of church and state topic again . . .

BUT . . .it is a lot of fun to be with friends and neighbors. Like I wrote in my last entry, I went over to the Greenlaws for Cindy's birthday/Halloween party. I tried to take pictures of our street which, seriously, should have been blocked off by the police--walking down Military Ave between 5 and 7 was like walking down "frat row" at UNH on a Saturday night between, well, 1AM and 3AM . . .it was impossible to drive a car down the road. We estimated we probably saw well over 200 trick or treaters. We had fun . . .Cindy made a stellar lasagna (or 3) and we ate candy, Hillmans, and cheese and crackers. I brought over our fire pit and we had a nice fire to stand by. It was a great, family friendly atmosphere!

To go with my above "rant" about Halloween, the following happened at around 5:15 tonight: I worked out at the track from about 4-5. Upon driving home to my house, sweaty, dirty, and achy, I noticed kids already out getting candy. NO JOKE-these parents, leading their kids, followed my truck right into my driveway and WAITED while I opened the truck door. TRICK OR TREAT they said, holding out their bags towards me. I looked at the parents. Surely, they realized the ridiculousness of this, right? Nope. "Guys . . .I am just getting home . . .let me get out of the truck first," I said, half jokingly and half pissed off. "Should we wait here, or just come back? How long do you think you will be?" asked the parents.

This is what's happening to Halloween.

Halloween Part I

Hi. Jared here. Happy Halloween everyone. I am in class right now, and we are viewing a documentary about Edgar Allan Poe . . .kind of a creepy guy. But, I guess if you learn about him, you understand why he is how he is--he lost everyone he loved to Tuberculosis. He was a troubled and depressed man who wanted to "see" his dead loved ones--so he wrote about bridging the gap between life an death. When he was 28, he married his 13 year old cousin. What is most surprising about this is that he wasnt even from Maine . . . .

Has anyone seen "The Nightmare Before Christmas?" It is my third favorite movie (after the Truman Show and Big Fish). A great holiday movie--for Halloween or Christmas in fact. I havent gotten to watch it yet . . .perhaps this weekend, even

Check out http://www.onlinesentinel.com/ today and read the article about the abandoned Tuberculosis Sanatorium in Fairfield, where we live (the town . . .not the sanatorium). I have ridden my bike by this place a few times--it is at the top of Atwood mountain on Mountain Road. A very creepy place. There's just something about an abandoned mental (or TB) institution on Halloween . . .

This evening should be fun. Military Ave is the trick-or-treat capital of Maine, I swear. We get, literally, HUNDREDS of trick or treaters at our neighborhood, and I will write about it later. Each year we have lived at the house, we sort of "team up" with our neighbors Cindy and Dana, and we have a big party (it is Cindy's birthday too) combined with the candy-seekers. More to come on that later

Lets talk costumes. What were YOU? I think, more than anything, I was a pirate as a kid. This was most likely because I got to carry a sword. My mom used to use her own lipstick and makeup to make scars on my face and mustaches above my lips. As a kid, lots of Halloween costumes were made of trash-bag grade plastic, and they were hot as hell. This issue was always exacerbated by the fact that my mom, 91% of the time, made me wear a jacket out when I went trick or treating. She always thought I was "too cold." Anyone else's mom do this?? What were your favorite costumes?

During college years, Halloween is probably one of the biggest parties of the year--it is also a perfect excuse for guys to dress in drag, and girls to dress as turbo-sluts. This happened each and every year, and I'm sure Freud would have a thing or two to say about it . . .

I'll write part two after trick or treating tonight . . .

What's In A Name?

In English this week, we have been discussing "typological names" which are names that "give insight" into a person's character--they are sort of like symbolic names. For example, I tell them, my childhood dentist had the name "Doctor Payne" which is a typological name because, even though it isnt spelled "paIN," it is pronounced the same way, and he nonetheless hurt me every time I went to see him. There is also an orthodontist in Waterville named Dr. Ruff, who just may be "rough" on patients who go to get their braces tightened. In one of the stories we read, there is a Mr. Graves, who is a very serious and evil man, and there is "Old Man Warner," who has the job of "warning" people in the village against getting rid of the lottery in Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery." Real people have very funny names indeed, and I thought I would write a post paying tribute to some of the more bizarre, funny, and all around eccentric names I have ever heard. And they are all real names. I swear.

1. Gary Overcarlighter-Amanda went to elementary school with him

2. James Pickle-Amanda went to high school with him

3. Trevor Calculator-What the heck kind of last name is that? What ethnicity? I'd love to get a Christmas card from that group: "Merry Christmas from the Calculators." Funny. And, I swear, he took ONE class where he left Dover High School and went to UNH . . .and it was math (of course)

4. Peter Whore-I went to Boys State with him at Bentley College

5. Alex Porno-Also at Boys State. He ran against me for the office of Attorney General, and his whole election speech consisted of rallying the boys to say "PORNO, PORNO" in unison. He won, of course, which is kind of funny, but also kind of sad, because, to an extent, our real elections are won by similar measures

6. Doris Morris-Amanda came across her name at work

7. Lauren Laurence-went to UNH with her. A friend

8. Carrie Carey-Colleague Shawn Carey's soon-to-be new wife

9. Creamy Goodness-I am totally serious about this one. A customer we had at Plymouth Rock Assurance LEGALLY changed his name to this. Imagine calling at 730 on a Tuesday and asking "Hi . . .is Creamy there?"

10. Shine Divatas-consultant for State of Maine . . .what a cool first name

11. Eda Dickman-Again, I am totally serious. She went to UNH, and her number was unlisted to protect her from hecklers. What parent, in their right mind, would name their poor kid this?

12. Pete Peterson-The perfect name for Bud and Edna's old friend. Meet him and you'll understand. He just IS a Pete Peterson

13. Craven Morehead-Again, very serious. I saw the name in print in college . . .I cannot remember exactly where . . .I was doing research. Come on . . .I couldnt make this stuff up!

14. Rob Feature-"Please say HI to him . . ."

15. Dick Assman-David Letterman found out from a fan that a jovial 60-something year old man owned a gas station in Arizona. This was his real name, and Letterman exploited the crap out of the poor guy . . .

16. Ben Dick-My all time favorite, because this guy interned with me--he taught at Manchester Central High School in NH. Imagine all the high comedy that existed when he first introduced himself: "Hi, I am Mister Dick, and I will be your English teacher." Some other awkward things probably said about him/by him:

-Wow . . .Mister Dick is really hard, isnt he??"

-I can't hang out with you after school . . .I've got a one on one conference with Mister Dick

-Mister Dick really goes down deep to find new curriculum to inspire us to learn

-The possibilities are truly endless . . . . .

YOUR TURN: WHAT ARE SOME FUNNY, REAL NAMES YOU KNOW??

ben dick

Crappy Memories . . .

Read the post, and you'll understand . . . .

Today Amanda and I met Dad and Babs at their house at about 9, went to Honey Dew Donuts (my favorite . . .that I WISH would come up to Maine), brought it back, and enjoyed blueberry coffee, bagels, and chocolate donuts. After teaching dad how to navigate the ways and means of buying stuff off the internet (he was buying Moose stickers for his new truck . . .) we went to lunch. You can see Ortiz's new truck in one of the pictures--I should have taken other pictures of it; its a beauty! An 08 Silverado V-8 with 4-wheel drive. He also has XM radio and OnStar, which I am sure he will use to locate the nearest Chinese food restaurant wherever he happens to be in life at that moment . . .congrats on the truck Ortiz

Back to lunch--we went to one of my favorite restaurants: Texas Road House. They have, in my opinion, the best steaks I have ever consumed. Sally got a tenderloin, Ortiz got a ribeye, Babs got a burger, and I got the prime rib--delicious! Plus, the waitresses there are all hot. I would love if Amanda was a waitress at Texas Road House for these reasons: 1) she would HAVE to wear tight jeans every day 2) She would bring me steak 3) she would clean up after me when I was done. The other thing about the Texas Road House girls (and the reason I want Sally to work there) is because I think girls look hot wearing sports team's game shirts.The combination of tight jeans, Brady game shirt, and steak makes these people all winners!!!

The "crappy memory" I am referring to involved Peaceful Meadows ice cream--we went there after lunch. They have fantastic, homemade, farm-fresh ice cream made better partly because the cream for the ice cream comes from cows they have on their farm. When I was a little kid, the dairy cows used to be in their "milking stalls" and we were allowed to go see them, pet them, and say hi. As I remember, I was a scared little kid when it came to cows, so my mom took me into the barn to see them. Well, one cow must have been glad to see mom too, since as soon as she brought me over to it, it took a huge dump, which deflectedoff the ground and ALL OVER the lower body portion of my poor mom.

I think we mostly went to Crescent Ridge Ice Cream Stand after that.

As I said . . .crappy memories . . . .