Meanderings 29 (which is my current age, too)

1. The two coolest jobs in the world would be the guy who comes up with names for paint (shaker beige, buxton blue, evening shadow, cinnamon essence, etc) and a children's book title giver. I dont want to WRITE the books . . .I just want to NAME them. I think it would be fun, and I'd be sure to totally pump them full of innuendos, insinuations, and double ententres that would really bring a smile to the faces of the parents who read them--"Who's got crabs? Do you have crabs?," or "The Puppy Slut," or "The Biggest, Juiciest, Plumpest Pickle at the Fair" or "Let's go to work with: A Sausage Stuffer" (the last one would be part of an ongoing series teaching kids about different types of jobs).

2. I am getting tired of kids and poetry contests, because I dont have the heart to tell them they're being duped by a corporation, I run out of things to say about (yet another) their comparison of love to a floodstage river, and the companies who run these contests should be ashamed of themselves. They are playing with kid's hearts and souls, and they tell young poets that if they enter "their contest" they might have their poem picked to be published in their "anthology" (which mysteriously never shows up at any bookstore . . .). The kicker is that EVERY poem is picked . .. .every single cliche, saltine, and uninspired poem is put in this anthology, so then the kids who are published will all BUY one and show their teachers and say "hey look . . .I am a published poet . . .I must be pretty good." It really is a mean thing to do to kids, and its a really dishonest way to make money . . .

3. I've gotten email forwards for e-hugs, e-greetings, e-cards, e-smiles, e-kisses, and e-coli. But I've never gotten an "e-tickle." Have you? Has anyone ever gotten an e-tickle? I think that is what's missing from the world: e-tickles. WIll someone send me an e-tickle for crying out loud, so I can die a happy man!!!

4. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed that any crappy "made in China" product can have "e" or "i" or "q" (in lowercase letters) next to it, and we stupid Americans will probably buy it because we think its hi-tech or cutting edge? Things with e's or i's, we assume, are the latest rage, and must be top of the line? Think about the iFit qGrill or eMusic products. What a deceptive advertising gimmick. How about the iKotex or the q-blender or the eTack (a thumbtack, of course). You could make millions just by putting a lowercase letter in front of your product. How silly.

5. What's the deal with complicated vegetarians? If you are vegetarian, it seems pretty simple to me: eat vegetables only. I can't stand this "well I"m a vegetarian, but I eat beef products" or "I've been a vegetarian for years, but I still eat dairy and chicken." Why do we need to linguistically mark ourselves by what we eat? Is it a confidence thing? Just make up your mind--if you are a vegetarian, fine, but dont tell your whole life story for crying out loud. Just say, "no, I wont have any broiled muppet today, thanks." No subtext please. I dont care.

6. "That car could stop on a dime!" What's the deal with that? We have amazing technology in the car industry today--virtually everything is digital and controlled by a computer . . .things that cost thousands of dollars. Yet we still use something that costs ten cents as the paradigm of how well a car can stop. How did a dime get chosen? Why not a penny? Its the same size pretty much. For a savings of 9 cents per "test," they could have accomplished the same thing. I wonder if those 10 cents get added on the bottom line of what we pay for a car at a dealership . . .

7. Beef, Chicken, and Pork seems to be the three standard meats that make up the American diet. Kind of funny if you think about it. Why these three? How did they get chosen? Was their a contest? I dont really have anything else to say about it, but its funny if you consider it for a second. Other countries eat deer, dog, buffalo, bison, etc. as their staple meat. How did we pick these three (relatively) cute animals for everything?

8. For earth day last week, the Red Sox made this huge deal out of how "green" they were, and how they were so committed to saving the environment and using sustainable resources. To show how committed they are, all the players wore BRAND NEW uniforms with a "recycle/earth day" patch on their sleeve. This was the only time they will ever wear this uniform. Very sustainable. No waste of cotton or other resources there . . .I love it when humongous corporations like the Red Sox, Wal Mart, and more try to pretend that they give a crap about the environment. They really shouldnt try . . .I mean, we're still going to love the sox and idiots are still going to shop at Walmart no matter what they do. . .so stop jumping on the bandwagon

9. Desecrating a Red Sox cap (or any sports team really . . .I just happen to love the sox) is like desecrating the flag of the Unites States, as far as I'm concerned. The sox have a navy blue hat with a red "B" on it for a reason, and this should be respected. I'm tired of the "pink heads" as my friends and I call them (twenty somethings girls who wear pink sox hats and go to the game because they think Ellsbury is hot but really cant even tell you where the pitcher's mound is or who scored the "last touchdown . .hehe"). I'm also tired of the green red sox hats. I am Irish, but just because the Sox play in Boston doesnt mean they are automatically Irish. And there is no reason for the green. Or the brown. Or any of that stuff. Its disrespectful. Do you take an American Flag and make the stripes green and orange for St Patricks day? Or do you make it pink and light blue for the Easter or early spring season? No. It is what it is. That being said, I have a "red" red sox hat. But I am awesome and cool so shut up.

10. Here are a few more things white people love (inspired by the blog stuffwhitepeoplelike that Timmy showed me). White people love "causes" involving diseases, and we love "saving 10%" by using a "friends and family" coupon at a store. Thats all.