You can listen to all the rhetoric all you want. Here are the REAL problems in America:
1. A REAL American University (I cant remember the name...I'll have to go down and check the article in my Men's Health magazine) used REAL taxpayer money to do a REAL study on sleep. What they found: Lullabies, composed by Brahms, helped some patients fall asleep, even though they were self described insomniacs. NO WAY!!! Lullabies help people sleep!!!??? OMG!!!!!!!!!! What an awesome study! Go American University system!!!!!
2. We dont think before we write (and perhaps this applies to this blog...wah wah wah): The other day, our postman delivered everyone a notice describing the dangers posed to the postal service when your driveway and walkway arent cleared of snow and ice. I quote: "Please keep a clear path to and from your mailbox...." Think about this. How could NOT do both at the same time? If you clear a path TO your mailbox, then wouldnt it follow that the path FROM your mailbox would be cleared as well? I have this funny mental image of me, hiding behind a tree, waiting until the mailman walked TO my mailbox (which would be on a clear path), and then me, popping out from behind said tree, shovelling all kinds of snow on the walkway to block his way FROM the mailbox....Also, I wonder how much money the postal service spent on these notices, which should be basic common sense to anyone anyway....
3. We live in a country where the "last hope" for millions of people to escape despair, depression, or even suicide is to "get through to Hollywood" on American Idol. Its absolutely hilarious, yet so sad--people put all their eggs in one basket, so to speak, imploring upon Simon how "this is my last hope" and "there's nothing left for me to do if I dont become the next Idol" or "I've waited my whole entire life for this." I mean, I guess if all else fails, these people could go back and get their G.E.D.s if the whole singing thing doesnt work out.
4. We've taken something so simple, peaceful, individual, as reading a book is....and we've put it on tape. I mean, I love podcasts, NPR, This American Life, etc. But there's just something so aesthetic about holding the pages in your hand and doing the work yourself sometimes.
5. The most popular past time for teens in America is playing fake guitar with a fake band on a tv screen. Guitar Hero, although a brilliant invention, seems so tragic for me; kids could be taking the time to learn the satisfaction of playing a real instrument, making beautiful music, and creating original works. Not to mention getting tons of chicks. But, instead, teens invest HOURS on learning which colored buttons to press. Why? Well, to earn more points. America has turned MUSIC into a COMPETITION.
6. (I apologize to Amanda, Michelle, and Chris for this next one....but c'mon, it makes a great meandering!) In America, we play SIMS. When you play SIMS, you basically do what you'd be doing if you werent playing SIMS. Why is this such an attractive game? My wife is addicted.....and Wal-Crap sells about 7 or 8 versions of it. Have we really become that disenchanted with our own lives? Its a serious question. On another note, I LOVE when Amanda and Michelle play SIMS. Its so cool...they get totally into it!
7. Burger King now has the "ANGRY WHOPPER" meal. So now the Whopper is angry? Why? Did not enough people have to get bypass surgery last year? Does it have a vengeance now? Maybe the Whopper is upset about the economy? At any rate, why do we have to attach emotion to our cheeseburgers? Cant we just eat them? Arent Americans angry enough without their sandwiches following suit?
8. We've taken something so ancient, sacred, and beautiful, and completely Americanized the crap out of it: I'm talking about yoga. Amanda and I used to take yoga at the Dover Yoga Studio in Crap Hampshire. It was the best part of our week. But it was too slow for us Americans--so we had to qualify it with words like "POWER" and "HOT" to describe the yoga. HOT yoga is where they turn the heat WAY up so you sweat like crazy. I do that while I teach Hamlet, and my room is like 58 degrees. No thank you. Somewhere, a totally chilled out Maharishi Maramesh Yogi is smiling. Namaste, Americans.
9. Whereas we used to have to be genuine, thoughtful, compassionate, enduring people to "make" friends, and then put in time to "stay" friends, now we merely "request" them from facebook. No work or time commitment here, right? By the way--I am totally guilty of this. You'd better look out....or I'll superpoke your American ass!
10. Even our ketchup has to be special--while eating dinner the other night, I noticed that our Hannaford brand ketchup was "extra fancy." What the heck does this mean???? Its freakin ketchup--tomatoes, vinegar, spices...nothing all that special, right? What makes it so fancy? The irony is, also: On what types of "fancy" foods does one put ketchup? Ribeye? Lobster? I'm thinking more like burgers, onion rings, and CHITTERLINGS!!!
11. Even in the midst of the worst economic situation in decades, our government (both sides of the aisle) didnt give spending 150 million dollars on an inauguration a second thought. Its the "American way," isnt it? I mean, shouldnt they be setting a good example for the country? Dont get me wrong--this was a momentous occasion in our history, and pomp and circumstance were justified....but 150 million dollars? Do you realize how much money that is??? David Ramesey, popular financial show host and "celebrity," has a great bumper sticker that says "Grow up and act your WAGE!" Cute. Maybe people should listen.
God Bless America
10 comments:
CRAP blog always has CRAP opinons
um.....
like.....
"Crap" - is that you, Anonymous?? Call me, seriously! Once you go Karen, youll always be rarein'!
2.) I'd agree with you Jared if postman only walked. I think it's referring to the postal vehicles too. Often times, the path is cleared for their vehicle to pull in but not for them to pull right through and out, meaning they'd have to back up to get out of the mailbox area. It was always an issue growing up because our mail wouldn't be delivered unless the driver's path allowed him to pull up and through. So we'd shovel out the whole mailbox area and then the town would plow it back in again and the mail guy would cheer and drive away. The PO would tell us exactly what was in your note up there. Except now I'm picturing the postman from the movie Funny Farm. Somewhat related, we have to clear our walkways in front of our place within 3 hours of the snowfall stopping or be fined $50 and up. And they're enforcing it.
5.)Ya but many of these same teens want nothing to do with playing a real instrument. C'mon, did 'America' turn music into a competition or is Guitar Hero really just a popular video game on a console? I don't really get the attraction with the game either though. Yellow, yellow, blue, long blue, red, red...ROCK ON!! WOO!
7.)Emotion sells.
8.)HOT MIKES
9.)Hey jared you're a blogger and you "social network".
maher, regarding the thing about the fifty dollar fine and all...doesnt that violate some first amend. or something? how can they MAKE you shovel or plow? that doesnt seem right. I'd just throw it all in the street. Man, Roseclair is pretty narrow as it is...that must be quite the debacle.....
I love this post and I love your blog overall, Jared
People need to relax a bit though...to all of you who dont know Jared well, he is a great perso with a great heart....I know he is just joking around, trying to get a rise out of folks, and having fun.
anyways, i just thougt i would say this cuz people seem to get the wrong impression of you sometimes
I,m working on putting together an "angry Pu PU Platter" I heard you make angry beans, after you eat them you make all your friends angry, wah,wah.
Who is 'old friend' referring to?
The city doesn't care so much about the driveways but the sidewalks have to have at least a 42 inch wide pathway or something because it has mixed use for people walking by or on wheelchairs etc.
And if you are digging out your car on the street or your sidewalk you cannot put the snow into the street or you can also be fined. It must be go in front or behind the care but not in the street. As the winter goes on there are no more places to put snow cause the piles are too high. Brilliant.
Found it online:
http://www.cityofboston.gov/snow/pdfs/Bos_Snow_Ordi.pdf
Jared, I totally agree with you about there being just "something" about holding a book and the printed page in your hands. I remember when Amazon came out with Kindle (I think I'm right) and George was so excited to show it to me - how I could read books on line. NO WAY!! I said thankyou but no thankyou. Part of the experience of reading is to actually hold the book in your hands. I would never give that up. And, don't you just LOVE the smell of a good book? Especially the old books (of non smokers, of course). It's like smelling newly spun yarn. Ah, some simple pleasures of life!
A shout out to Anne and HENRY - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Could we please get some CALLUM updates and photos,,,,
Thank you!!!
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