Meanderings 51 (?)

A whole new batch for you to enjoy!

1. There was an ad in the Sunday paper for this "Healthy Choice" microwave pasta thingy....the coupon was for a dollar off. The tagline said "Your co-workers will envy you. Your wallet will thank you." Apparently, your wallet will "thank" you because the microwave dinner is cheap. Like I give a crap about my wallet's feelings. Do you? I mean, a wallet's job is to hold money. That's all it has to do. And now its going to complain? But I guess if I had to sit in my back pocket all day I would complain too. If anything, the wallet should be pissed off when things are cheap, because it just means that they have to continue to hold lots of money which, I would imagine, could get pretty heavy for a wallet--that would be like us having to carry around folders and folders worth of files all day. Something like that. I'm sure the wallet gets tired. But, still, it should stop complaining and just be happy it has a job.

2. On the same "page" of this newspaper, there was a small ad accompanied by a "save $1.00" coupon for HUNT'S MANWICH SLOPPY JOE sauce. Here is just "some" of the "legalese" underwriting which was present under the logo: limit one coupon per purchase....void if sold, copied, transferred, altered, prohibited, or restricted....no other coupon will be used with this coupon....ConAgra foods maintains the reimbursement of this coupon to the retailer plus 8cents shipping and handling if used in compliance with the ConAgra coupon redemption policy...this has a cash value of 1/20 of a cent....blah blah blah.."

Seriously folks: Are there really that many people in the world scheming and plotting to get better deals on Manwich sauce? Is there really a black market for this kind of lawlessness? I mean, if I were a criminal, I'd go high stakes....like a bank, IT stuff, museums, etc. I wouldnt waste my time on supermarket coupons. Its sad that some law firm in the world is making millions writing the legal mumbo-jumbo that would prohibit someone from illegally getting TWO dollars off of Chef Boyardee ravioli, Stouffers stuffing, or Tyson chicken fingers. THE OTHER THING I find interesting about this is that the coupon as the cash value of 1/20 of a cent. That means if I had 20 I could cash them in? And if I had 2,000 I could make a dollar? Weird. Why does a coupon have any cash value?

3. We have an automatic paper towl dispenser in our bathrooms here at WHS, and the sound the dispenser makes when giving said paper towel sounds EXACTLY like the first note of that "Disturbia" song by Rhianna. Now I have that song in my head every time I go pee. So I have that going for me....

4. You can't spell demonstrate without "demon," and you can't spell management without "man." Just throwing that out there....someone can probably make good use of this at some point....

5. At some point in every young father's life, he is faced with the grueling question of this: Is he going to teach his kid how to "high 5." I have decided to impart all the knowledge I can to Callum, but I will not teach the high 5. I have made this decision after careful thought. He will undoubtedly learn it from his friends, and that will be great. I, however, will not teach him this skill....simply because its been done ad nauseum. The "high 5" is the "Bob Marley's Greatest Hits" of baby-tricks: Everyone has it in their "collection," and everyone thinks they are so unique, cute, and original because of it. The baby high-5 is the most overdone, unoriginal, and cliche thing a father can impart to his boy. I teach Callum how to do enough stupid tricks as it is...I wil keep the high 5 out of it.

6. Last week, flipping through the channels, we caught the end of the SCRIPPS NATIONAL SPELLING BEE and I thought to myself: What a bunch of geeky, loser kids for being involved in this. Then, I realized I was watching the end of the SCRIPPS NATIONAL SPELLING BEE. So I've got that goin' for me....

7. What ever happened to "Caramello" candy bars? Are they still around? And what about those "Bonkers" candy things? They werent quite gum but they werent quite Now And Laters....and while we're at it, does anyone have any Velamints?

8. All throughout the animal kingdom, when an animal "defecates," the end product is referred to "poop" or "feces." It doesnt really deviate much from those two terms. Why, then, do BATS of all things get a special name for what they poop out? Guano. What's the deal? I mean, as humans, we're at the top of the food chain and we dont get a special name for what we do....yet bats do? Seems pretty unfair actually. Its no wonder people arent trying to save the bats. Screw them.

9. Who the heck names these race horses? I mean, its bad enough we embarrass these noble animals by filling them full of water, not allowing them to pee, and making them chase a fake decoy. But now we give them these ridiculous names as well? Why not just "Gus" or "Jake" or"Scribbles" or something cute like that? Instead, I firmly believe that coming up with horse names is a "secret" contest of which the public is not aware....where a bunch of rich white dinks get together and try to outdo each other while they're drunk off of mint juleps. "CITRUS GETS THE EARLY WORM" or "CLIVE FORGETS DINNER ROLLS" or "MISS SALLY BUMPKIN" or some stupid crap like that

10. When I call you and you're not there and I get your voice mail, rest assured I know exactly what to do, okay? This whole idea of voicemail isn't anything new, so therefore I dont need to listen to your greeting which says something like "Hi, this is Clarice...I'm not here right now so leave a message after the beep," and then listen to the followup to that, where the little fairy who lives inside your phone gives me further instructions: "At the tone, please leave your message. When you are finished, you can either hang up or press POUND for more options." I KNOW WHAT TO DO!! And what the hell other options could there possibly be? I left my message. I said my piece. End of transaction. Call me back, idiot.