Meanderings 64-It has been a while

1. There arent a lot of children's books written about spiders, and I have decided that this is simply because it is very difficult to make a spider web look 'homey' in any way, shape, or form. At some point, in every 'animal story,' the animals must go home--to a cozy den under a tree, or a sentimentally decorated cave, or a cute little bird house. All spider's have are webs. And webs are always exposed, airy, and static looking. Try: You cannot make a spider's web look cute. And this is why kids grow up fearing spiders.

2. I'd like to buy some ketchup that ISNT 'grade A fancy' for the simple reason that life is too short, and I'd really like to live dangerously. Can you buy un-fancy ketchup anywhere? If grade A exists, then there must be others. What would it look like? Does it have lumps? Dust? Frayed edges? What inherently makes it not "fancy?"

3. On Facebook, in order to list your relationship status in public, it first has to be 'confirmed' by the other recipient. For example, I sent a 'married' request to Amanda, which she then had to confirm so that my profile would list that I am 'married' to Sally Piles Goldsmith. Some of the superlatives you can put are "married," "widdowed," "divorced," "single," "in a relationship," and "its complicated." In order for it to say "its complicated with Amanda Goldsmith" on my profile page, Amanda would first have to confirm it. Well, my thinking is, if you get the other person to "confirm" that you are indeed 'complicated,' then you should keep your head up, because both of you agree on something, and good communication, as everyone knows, is the first step to a healthy relationship. So there morons: Facebook just trapped you in your web of lies!

4. Number 3 was way more complicated to explain than I thought it would be. I fear my joke may have been lost

5. When people want to show you how serious they are about something they are cooking for you, they put the moniker "dinner" at the end. Usually, this means that whatever they are cooking isnt very good, and they know that, and they want to compensate for its crappiness by tricking you into believing you are getting something good. For example, look at a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. It doesnt just say "Kraft Macaroni and Cheese;" it says Kraft Macaroni and Cheese DINNER. What makes this a DINNER? What the heck? As far as I can see, I am getting processed orange cheese powder and dehydrated noodles. I am the one who has to add the freakin milk, butter, etc. Where do they come in with the whole 'dinner' thing. Is there a roll or some green beans in the box that I am missing? And what if I want to eat this for lunch? Man!
This came up because the other day at school, listed on the white board while I was on cafe duty, read "pork and potato dinner." And I wondered: Why did they feel the need to write 'dinner?' Are we too obtuse to realize, on our own, that pork and potatoes sounds pretty good? Is a pork and potato DINNER somehow better than pork and potatoes, just? Its these little things that keep me a) up all night and b) unable to have healthy relationships with people.

6. True story: Waterville has a lot of taxi cab businesses for all the morons who lost their licenses due to DUIs and still need to get to Hannaford to buy Allens Coffee Brandy with their foodstamps. ANYWAY...driving by "Elite Livery" the other day, I noticed, in the parking lot, three signs that read "customer parking only." Does anyone see the humor in this? "Hey guys....I'm here! Now can I have a ride?" Is it being repetitive to ask the obvious question: If you can drive to a taxi business, why do you need a taxi?

7. Its funny how most stories that start with "Hey, did you hear about...." rely on the TELLER of the story being almost 100 PERCENT sure that the RECIPIENT of the story has NOT, in fact, 'heard about' whatever it is. Do you understand what I mean? No one ever says 'yes' to this question, because the "rules" prohibit you from doing so; when someone says "hey did you hear about the guy...." you dont even get a chance to say yes or no, because the speaker keeps going as if your answer doesnt matter anyway. So lets just cut the extra wording so I have time to hear your lame story and get home and creep on facebook......