Meanderings 11

1. When it comes to "Rice Pilaf," what exactly is the "pilaf?" Why is rice so insecure that it can't stand on its own and be served as just "rice?" And what is pilaf? Is it a type of grain itself? Or does it denote the way in which the rice is served? Are the "pilaf" those little tiny light brown football shaped pasta things that sometimes show up on the plate with rice? If so, why can't you buy just "pilaf" by itself at the grocery store?

2. Speaking of grocery stores, I get pretty annoyed when I am food shopping and I have to wait in line at the deli. The person in front of me always has a list a mile long, and everything the poor deli worker has to pack is in small quantities of like 1/16th of a pound. And then you've got the idiots who give these totally amorphous orders to the deli workers--things like "I want some corned beef . . .just enough for one sandwich . . ." Well how big is the sandwich, idiot? I eat a pretty big sandwich. Some people do not. How big is YOUR sandwich? Oh yeah . . .and these people are always old.

3. It bugs me how you have to wait in line for all these morons to complete their deli shopping, so I've developed a solution to the problem: You walk into the grocery store, you drop off your deli order at the deli, and then you go do your shopping. You get your eggs. You get your peaches. You get your little Entemmans danish. Boom . . .you are all done. THEN, before you check out, you stop by the deli to pick up the order that was filled while you shopped. Pharmacies do it, why can't delis? This doesnt seem too complicated to me. And oh yeah . . .there's no going to pick up your order and then saying "oh I forgot .. .I need some liverwurst too. . ." Tough. If you forgot to write it on the list, plan better next time. My deli would be a well-oiled machine, with no stopping for forgetful dolts.

4. How difficult is it to get a job as one of the guys who holds and moves the first down chains at NFL games? Is there a lot of training involved? Where do you apply? How do they decide who gets it? Is one chubby white guy better at standing in one spot than another chubby white guy? Do they weed people out if they can't jog out to the field fast enough? Do they judge you on how good you look in white pants and goofy hats? Why do they have the bright orange "X" on their shirts? Is this so players dont accidentally mistake them for people that they otherwise should tackle? This looks like the easiest job ever . . . .stand and watch football, and every minute or so walk a yard or two to your left or right. I bet these guys get so pissed when a game goes by and there are no close 4th and short counts--their moment of glory is withheld from them. Again.

5. Enough with all the CNN, FOX NEWS, and Katie Couric-like reporters who do these "undauntingly brave" stories from the "front lines" of Iraq and wear bulletproof vests over their suits. Its all just for effect. Are they aware that their head, face, arms, hips, legs, and hands are all vulnerable? If I wanted to shoot someone, and I saw that the only place protected was the area covered by the vest, why would I shoot them there anyway? I would undoubtedly go for the head. Actually, if it was a Fox News reporter, it would be in the mouth. They are, after all, the Bush Network.

6. Props to Pontisellout for this one: If you have a "trophy wife" and she gets wicked fat after you marry her, do you then have a trophy "case?"