Chinese Food Restaurant Naming Matrix

Anyone who knows me knows that I love Chinese food; actually, its more like an addiction than a love. Or, if you will, its an addiction THAT I love. Hot mustard and lobster sauce run through my veins, just as they do my father, and my grandfather. That being said, I've noticed lately that Chinese food restaurants just aren't trying too hard. All we hear about in the news is how China is ahead of us in everything and we need to COMPETE....China, China, China. With all we read today about how American schools, businesses, and technologies need to compete with China with just about everything, I find it ironic (and extremely funny) how, in America, its the Chinese restaurants who could give two craps about competing. For one, they hardly ever advertise. That is because they know their restaurant is the same as the one down the street, and so on. Furthermore, when they DO advertise, its only to show how their prices are lower than that place down the street; its all about price, and they could care less about quality. The second reason they dont compete is because they can't even put forth the effort to have their menus spellchecked and proofread for clarity ("We being closed on Saturday next for weddings in families" or "We have great value, however we can alter the spiciness to your taste" for example). Thirdly, beyond the cheapness of their prices, they make no effort to appeal to or identify with their "audience" of menu readers--there's never anything about how good their food is, or how much they care about quality, etc. There's just no "backstory." I mean, when you go into a good Italian restaurant, for example, there's always a little quib on the menu about how Mama Josephina created these recipes back in Villa Villa Cola in Sicily in 1850, and how, besides her family bible, the recipes were the only thing she brought with her to America, blah blah blah....There's nothing like that with Chinese food restaurants. And FINALLY, Chinese restaurants have been generically naming their restaurants for years--there's absolutely no effort going into creating something new and innovative...its all the same rote crap. Some names are COMPLETELY disheartening in their character in fact--"China Buffet" comes to mind. Doesnt get more simple and unimaginative than that.

SOOOOOO.....in an effort to help my fellow Chinese food restaurant entrepreneurs be even MORE lazy and uncompetitive, I have created a Chinese food naming matrix. Its pretty easy: All Chinese food restaurants follow a simple ADJECTIVE + NOUN formula. So all that you need to do is pick one (or maybe two if you feel like expending some energy) adjective from column A and then pair it up with a noun of your choice from column B. Do this, buy a fryalotor, and purchase one of those kitty cat clocks where the eyes move every time the second hand ticks....and you too could purvey your own Chinese food restaurant!

COLUMN A --- COLUMN B

Imperial--- Panda

Chung ---Lee

Ming ---Terrace

Mandarin--- Garden

Happy--- House

Tea--- Corner

Lucky ---Dream

Jade ---Empire

Golden ---Buffet

Grand--- Garden

Oriental ---Dynasty

China ---Express

Panda--- Kitchen

Lotus--- Pagoda

Royal ---Dragon

---------Island

---------Palace

---------King

---------East