If women were firewood

I got to talking with my good friend Earl, the school custodian, about how cold its been in recent mornings. He lives in a camp on North Pond, and he, like me, heats with wood only. For some reason, we got to talking about the different types of wood we were burning, and how having it “properly seasoned” makes the world of difference (we both get our wood from the same place, and we are both noticing how much better it is burning this year). Obviously, because I have too much time to think, I started thinking about the characteristics of wood, and how, pretty much, you can classify different people as different types of wood. THEN, because I’m a man (some of the time at least), my thoughts gravitated towards understanding the female psyche. What follows is my feeble attempt to compare types of girls in relationships to the types of woods they represent. NOTE: if you are a girl, you can easily “change” genders around to work for you. Have fun!

Pine: Very easy, hot, and fast. Frankly, a one night stand or a weekend fling. Very intense while it lasts, but it doesn’t last for long. And, furthermore, when its gone, its gone. In addition, its got tons of crap that it can clog your chimney/life with if you keep going back to it . . .lots of baggage if you stick around to get to know it. The kind of relationship one continuously finds in seedy bars . . . .a “pine” girl.

Birch: Birch is beautiful to look at, and it smells great. Like some girls. Also, Birch does give off an intensely hot fire . . .albeit a fast one. With a birch type of person, you can have a fast, hot relationship . . . .but the only problem is that birch isn’t the type of wood that leaves a lot of good coals for your next fire. Once the “fire” is gone, its tough to get it started again. A birch relationship is better than a pine relationship . . .so at least you’ve got that going for you. But, with birch, once the “fire” is over, there’s not much else there, if you catch my drift. I mean, what are you going to “talk” about when the passion subsides?

Elm: Elm is a rare wood to find in Maine. Its also infamous for its inability to be split. An “elm girl” is the type of girl you obsess over for so long, and try so hard to “crack,” only to find out that, once you do crack it, its full of baggage: knots, warps, and disease (Dutch Elm disease anyone?). This is what I always find with elm wood. Furthermore, elm doesn’t burn very well, so even when you do invest all the time in it, trying to get to know it, your investment will not pay back dividends. Not even in the slightest.

Maple: I would say maple girls are the ones most common in relationships that work. Maple is a good all around wood that’s moderately attractive to look at, and burns quite well. You’ve got to season maple though . . .let it go at least a year or so for it to work best. Sure, maple often has its imperfections (knots, twists, etc.) but hey, who doesn’t? But maple is “doable,” and, by that, I mean its not impossible to split and stack. Usually, in fact, its very neat.

Ash: Ash is unique for two reasons: it is absolutely simple to split (its like cutting a birthday cake), and it requires no seasoning in order to burn (you can burn it “green” so to speak). For these reasons, I think “ash girls” are girls to stay away from. Furthermore, I feel bad for “ash girls.” Since ash is so easy to split and requires to work to burn, I see ash girls as girls who have no self confidence, don’t believe in themselves, and don’t hold themselves in very high esteem—they’re too “easy.” I would feel bad burning ash . . .like I was taking advantage of its “qualities,” even though I didn’t really have to work too hard to get them. Catch my drift?

Apple: A rare wood in Maine. Not a lot of it around. Obscure. Arcane. Very thin and very dense. The type of girl you don’t see around very often, but good to find now and then. Apple burns the hottest of any wood . . .but its nearly impossible to find. I have a few pieces in the garage, but I’m saving them. I really don’t know why. An “apple girl” is the girl “not from Maine” who is here for college, vacation, work release, etc. who inspires and awes with her unique view of the world. And then leaves you wondering . . .

Oak: We should all be blessed enough in our lives to find an “oak girl.” Oak is the “Cadillac of wood” in the great state of Maine. Its heavily dense, full of substance, and it burns VERY hot for VERY long. It’s a passionate wood. Its loyal; it leaves glowing coals for your next fire, so you’ll never be stuck alone, with newspaper and kindling, try to dig yourself out of a “cold hole” some freezing January morning. But beware! Don’t disrespect oak, or it will leave you with a firebox full of sweaty wood that wont catch or burn. Oak, unlike the other wood listed, is the hardest to get to work right; you need to invest time in it (two years makes a good seasoned oak). You need to be patient. You need to have faith. You do this, and the oak girl will be yours forever, always keeping you warm—both inside and out.