Hey, this is my 20th Meanderings post! How exciting.
If I were president . . .
Here are some things that would happen if I was in control of this great country of ours.
1. There would be a law prohibiting people driving on one side of the highway from stopping to look at an accident on the other side of the highway. This is called “rubbernecking,” and it is reserved for old people, driving through Yosemite National Park, looking over the shoulder for another glimpse of “half dome.” Unless you are old, wear culottes and blu-blockers, and buy sanka, stop stopping to look at an accident. It creates traffic.
2. When there ARE these interstate highway accidents that tie up traffic, make people late, and ruin people’s lives, I think the person who is at fault (the police report or the insurance companies always name SOMEONE at fault) should be arrested and spend a few weeks in jail. This is “disturbing the peace” at its best, isn’t it? It destroys the peace of my nervous system . . .
3. I would make a law that no longer lets boy bands, with their token bass singer, begin songs with clichéd phrases like “girl, I just can’t live without you” or “baby I miss you since you’ve been gone” or “baby girl . . .can we talk for a minute” right before the actual instrumental music of the song starts.
4. Restaurants can’t advertise or serve “fried cookie dough.” Have you noticed lately that the uncooked cookie “dough” has garnered more popularity lately than its well-done counterpart? This is monumental. Its got to be the first time that a raw version of a famous food is more popular than the cooked version. Its kind of like sushi, only you don’t have to be a snobby butt hole to enjoy it. But back to my point: We were at a restaurant and Kristin ordered “fried cookie dough” for dessert. This is otherwise known as A COOKIE. Its cooked now. It has transcended its doughness.
5. I would make Webster, Rogets, and whoever else publishes a “thesaurus” change the name of “thesaurus” to something that doesn’t suggest that you are buying a dinosaur. Its false advertising. And that is wrong.
6. There is a trend I’ve noticed lately where newly married couples, at their wedding, start dancing to a “pretty” and “nice” song, only to stop 1:34 seconds into it and break into “Humpty Dance” or “You shook me all night long” or some other old standby. This is lame. Its not “unexpected” anymore, thus it isn’t funny. Kristin and Twon did it at their wedding (for the bridal party song), and it was wicked cool because no one had done it yet. But now its all the rage . . pa-leese.
7. Each child born in the United States, from this point on, would be surgically implanted with a small, chip-like device that would record everything they ever do. As they get older, the “files” would be “compressed,” much like MP3s. Patriot Act, schmatriot act I say to all naysayers. The “information” recorded would be completely confidential an inaccessible by the authorities UNLESS the person in question was charged with a crime. This would, in turn, save BILLIONS of dollars annually on our faulty legal system, since all people would be definitively proven guilty or innocent. And hey, if you’ve got nothing to hide, you shouldn’t worry. As Hamlet says to Claudius: “we that have light souls/ it touches us not.”
8. All ILLEGAL aliens would be rounded up and sent back to their respective countries. Why? Look at the adjective describing them. Its really as simple as that.
Here are some things that would happen if I was in control of this great country of ours.
1. There would be a law prohibiting people driving on one side of the highway from stopping to look at an accident on the other side of the highway. This is called “rubbernecking,” and it is reserved for old people, driving through Yosemite National Park, looking over the shoulder for another glimpse of “half dome.” Unless you are old, wear culottes and blu-blockers, and buy sanka, stop stopping to look at an accident. It creates traffic.
2. When there ARE these interstate highway accidents that tie up traffic, make people late, and ruin people’s lives, I think the person who is at fault (the police report or the insurance companies always name SOMEONE at fault) should be arrested and spend a few weeks in jail. This is “disturbing the peace” at its best, isn’t it? It destroys the peace of my nervous system . . .
3. I would make a law that no longer lets boy bands, with their token bass singer, begin songs with clichéd phrases like “girl, I just can’t live without you” or “baby I miss you since you’ve been gone” or “baby girl . . .can we talk for a minute” right before the actual instrumental music of the song starts.
4. Restaurants can’t advertise or serve “fried cookie dough.” Have you noticed lately that the uncooked cookie “dough” has garnered more popularity lately than its well-done counterpart? This is monumental. Its got to be the first time that a raw version of a famous food is more popular than the cooked version. Its kind of like sushi, only you don’t have to be a snobby butt hole to enjoy it. But back to my point: We were at a restaurant and Kristin ordered “fried cookie dough” for dessert. This is otherwise known as A COOKIE. Its cooked now. It has transcended its doughness.
5. I would make Webster, Rogets, and whoever else publishes a “thesaurus” change the name of “thesaurus” to something that doesn’t suggest that you are buying a dinosaur. Its false advertising. And that is wrong.
6. There is a trend I’ve noticed lately where newly married couples, at their wedding, start dancing to a “pretty” and “nice” song, only to stop 1:34 seconds into it and break into “Humpty Dance” or “You shook me all night long” or some other old standby. This is lame. Its not “unexpected” anymore, thus it isn’t funny. Kristin and Twon did it at their wedding (for the bridal party song), and it was wicked cool because no one had done it yet. But now its all the rage . . pa-leese.
7. Each child born in the United States, from this point on, would be surgically implanted with a small, chip-like device that would record everything they ever do. As they get older, the “files” would be “compressed,” much like MP3s. Patriot Act, schmatriot act I say to all naysayers. The “information” recorded would be completely confidential an inaccessible by the authorities UNLESS the person in question was charged with a crime. This would, in turn, save BILLIONS of dollars annually on our faulty legal system, since all people would be definitively proven guilty or innocent. And hey, if you’ve got nothing to hide, you shouldn’t worry. As Hamlet says to Claudius: “we that have light souls/ it touches us not.”
8. All ILLEGAL aliens would be rounded up and sent back to their respective countries. Why? Look at the adjective describing them. Its really as simple as that.
3 comments:
I would agree that we should send illegals home...but I don't think we have 12 million pairs of handcuffs in America. How about going after the fat-cat business people who HIRE them illegally? They are the ones perpetuating this problem. Why don't you like people?
Do I see Bix in that Tool poster? I think I do... I think Thomas should start writing you blog and taping you in your natural habitat.
It's incredible how simple yet foreign #8 is.
Post a Comment