Meanderings 24

(The first two were inspired by Ortiz himself . . .he has jumped on the "meandering" bandwagon. Proud of you dad)

1. The word "track" has so many definitions, and may be the most underrated word in our language--it does so much, yet gets no credit. Some usages of track:

-a footprint of an animal

-a place to run

-the number of a song on an album

-to look after or observe (i.e. track his behavior)

-a sport

-to hunt down or follow (track a bear and then shoot it)

-a figurative place to be (you're on the right track since you've quit doing blow . . )

-something on which a train travels

-many, many others I am sure . . .

2. Most juices are liberals, working together to combine flavors for a greater good (cran-grape, strawberry banana, etc). But pineapple juice is a die-hard conservative, stuck in its ways. Why? Well, for example, its the only juice still to not abandon its big aluminum can. Did you ever notice how pineapple juice, in the juice aisle, is always on the very bottom, sitting quietly, in its boring, unadorned can? No other juices come this way. Come on Strom Pineapple . . .get with the program! (Seriously though . . .why does pineapple juice still come this way? I dont even think they make those types of can openers to punch a hole in the can anymore)

3. Today, all kinds of businesses are preaching the benefits of "going green" and recycling, etc. They brag about how their stupid bags are made out of used potatoes and how the soap they use in the restrooms of the stores is made of rendered hippy fat, etc. If they're so concerned, then why dont they do what I consider to be the most obvious thing of all--shut off some damn lights when they're closed? Did you ever drive by Wal-Mart of Home Crapot at night? Are we in Las Vegas or something? Seriously . . .shut off your lights. Now they are probably saying "well they're for security reasons." Codswallup, I say. They make motion detected lights. I know this because Bill across the street, who is the county Bailiff, gets called out at 1, 2, 3 in the morning and has motion lights in his driveway. Bill knows whats up . . .why doesnt crap-mart? Get motion detected lights, then if someone goes to steal your plastic crap, the lights will go on when movement is sensed. Until you do that, stop bragging about how hippy-green you are.

4. On the show "Deal or No Deal," there is a suitcase that actually holds $.01. If you play to the end, and you actually end up with the penny, do they give it to you? What is more of an insult to the contestant: actually giving them a check for one cent, or not giving it to them at all? And is it a check? Or does Howie give you a shiny Lincoln piece?

5. I love the expression "I hear congratulations are in order!" because it is rhetorically brilliant. This phrase is usually muttered to someone who just bought a house, had a baby, cured their hemorrhoids, or whatever. The beauty of this phrase is how you can say it to someone without "actually" wishing them "congratulations,"and I like to use it on people for whom I could care less. All you are ACTUALLY saying, in fact, is how you "hear" that some people might be wishing you congratulations on something . . .but you're not actually congratulating them. It really is remarkable.

6. "I'd hate to meet him alone in a dark alley." What's the deal? Who are all these people hanging out in dark alleys nowadays? And are the alleys so crowded that people are actually running into each other?

7. I recently bought a box of crackers, and one of the advertising "sayings" on the front of the box (in addition to low cholesterol, high fiber, etc.) was "tastes great!." Now, I'm no ad executive, but it would seem to me that this should come standard with any manufactured food--is this really something to proudly advertise? It would appear that the idea of something "tasting great" should pretty much be a given in food I buy. But maybe thats just me.

8. I become wary of restaurants and markets who use quotation marks in exemplifying the superlatives which describe their products: "Fresh" seafood, "real" maple syrup, "homemade" dessert, etc. I think the reason I become suspicious is because of the cultural "stress" put on words in quotations when they are spoken aloud. This is a difficult meandering to write without actually being able to verbally explain it . . .but comment if you know what I mean. I mean, why do they have to "stress" that their seafood is fresh? It almost sounds "sarcastic" in a way, ya know? The spoken word in the English language is a magnificent thing--I guess you just have to hear it. If your spanikopita is homemade, just say its homemade and be done with it. "Pu vriques das peponas?"

9. There is nothing "wise" about owls, even though this is how they are personified in our culture . . .I think its crap, and I hate owls. They can all die. If they're so "wise" then how come they dont even know enough to sleep at night and work during the day like everyone else? Furthermore, if they're so smart, why do they eat disgusting mice? Why havent they devised a way to get better food? Answer that one for me. In addition, since they are so "wise" and eat mice, you'd think the least they could know is to only eat the meat . . .but, alas, they eat the mice whole, and then spit up a humongous hair ball, complete with fur, bones, and other by-products. Wow. What a wise friggin animal. . . .

10. I've never actually seen leftover pancakes get eaten and NOT thrown away. That's all.