Meanderings 17- Advertising Characters

Hey everyone. Sorry about there being no post on Sunday. SOMEONE was supposed to write about her trip to Boston to see WICKED. I am trying to teach Sally about the importance of "choices" and what types of choices are wise, and what types are not wise. As soon as she progresses with this, she might get training wheels on her bike . . .

1 Hamburger Helper- Creepy. A murderous looking shiny white glove with a cute little red nose who is there to help you combine your meat with highly processed garbage. He creeps along your counter and stovetop just WAITING for you to turn away. Then you’re ALL HIS.

2 Hawaiian Punch guy-A midget wearing a . . .um . . .bunch of conch shells or seaweed or coral or human ribs on top of his head.

3 Mister clean—What a sham . . .he doesn’t clean crap!!! He just stands there with his hairless, Sam-the Eagle eyebrowed face staring ominously while YOU do all the cleaning. His arms are crossed as if to say “I ain’t doing nut’n fo’ shizzle.”

4 Swiss Miss-She’s a little hornball nynpho, I tell you. Just look at the way she stares at you. She knows what she wants.

5 Chester Cheetah-He looks like a child predator. The kind who is strung out on smack. He always wants to snack, he’s dangerously skinny, and creeps around latently looking to “make deals.” Take off the shades, man

6 Land O Lakes Indian princess-Another “dirty little girl” for the subliminal advertising she promotes if you fold the carton cardboard and put her “knees” where her chest should be.

7 Pillsbury Dough Boy—teaching little fat boys that its okay for strangers to tickle you

8 Country Crock spread—As if the Hamburger Helper dude’s hand wasn’t creepy enough . . .we have human hands with voices. They tickle each other. I don’t like it.

9 Betty Crocker—why doesn’t Duncan Hines man up and show his picture on the box too?

10 Uncle Ben’s—most black guys I know don tuxedos and make rice. Especially in three minutes. It took 4 times that long just to get dressed to make the rice. Silly

11 Vlassic Pickle Bird—what does a pelican have to do with pickles?

12 Nasonex-An allergy medicine. Its “spokesperson” is a BUMBLEBEE with a SCOTTISH accent?? Huh?

13 Coca Cola bears—truly fantastic. The best ever. I’d stop global warming just for them, dammit

14 Wise Potato Chip Owl—if he is so “wise,” wouldn’t he tell you not to eat trans fatty food like potato chips? Who’s he working for?

15 Captain crunch—the Napoleonic cereal captain who lures kids onto his magical cereal ship where nothing but tragedy ensues. But thank God they have the cereal to save the day.

16 This has nothing to do with the characters, but remember when there was that whole thing about Snapple iced tea bottles having slave ships on them? This made a lot of people up in arms about nothing. On the label, there were “schooners” that some liberal from the ACLU probably said were slave transport ships and that Snapple was racist.

17 Brawny paper towels: Hey, who doesn’t love to learn how to clean up big messes from an oversized man sporting a child molester mustache and a flannel shirt. I bet his big, strong, girthly arms would be great for . . .um . . .wiping up cranberry juice on the counter. Yeah. That’s it

18 The McDonalds characters. Ronald McDonald is just flat out silly, but lets consider the chubby purple bulbous entity known as “Grimace.” What the heck is he? This was probably the last of the McDonalds characters to be designed by the crack team who brought us the likes of “Birdie” and “The Hamburgler.” Can’t you picture these advertising agents?
“Aw crap . . the corporates at McDonalds wanted four characters and we’ve only got three . . .and we’re running out of time.”

“Shoot . . .you’re right . . here . . .how about the amorphous purple thingy-ma-bob? I just drew it. It took 4 seconds. Will this work??”

“Oh yes it will,” says the other advertising agent, wearing a grimace on his face. Thus, a new era is born

19 The Twinkie Cowboy: A miniature pastry cake dressed up in cowboy garb, riding a curiously shaped, cream filled, overtly phallic twinkie, looking like he is having the time of his life. He probably is. Don’t forget . . .its cream filled. . . If you don’t believe me, look at the box . . .

20 Starkist tuna. Charlie the tuna really, really, really wants you to buy his tuna. Weird. Obviously tuna fish aren’t very smart, otherwise he’d realize that he is a TUNA telling you to EAT TUNA. Something is strange about that. Wouldn’t we be turned off if we had cows telling us to buy hamburg because they taste so good? I think Charlie needs to decide for which team he plays, if you know what I mean . . .

21 Two more things about tuna. First, why do we call it “tuna FISH?” As if there were another kind of tuna, right? Second, I find it so funny that everyone makes such a fuss about only eating “dolphin safe” tuna—tuna that was caught without killing innocent dolphins. Forget about the “innocent” tuna that is over caught, killed, steamed, and crammed in cans to be sold for 79 cents at your grocery store. But let’s save the dolphins. Because they can hold a ball on their nose for 7 seconds. Aren’t you sometimes so proud to be human?

22 Cat food. Cat food is funny because it has pictures of “cats” on the cans. But “people” food doesn’t have pictures of “people” on them, right? People food has pictures of the actual food. Imagine if people food were like cat food? You’d buy a can of baked beans, and the can would be a fat guy eating beans. You’d buy a frozen pizza, and there would be a pimply adolescent eating frozen pizza in front of the television. And such and such.